All-Nighter: Rap Intro
By Adam Conover & Brian Murphy
INT. OFFICE
JEFF addresses camera.
JEFF
And now, to kick off the
CollegeHumor All-Nighter, Freestyle
Love Supreme!
WHIP PAN TO: FREESTYLE LOVE SUPREME. They perform for
camera, making their way through the office and referencing
various CAST MEMBERS along the way.
FREESTYLE
Welcome to the show / we'll treat
you right / we're makin' 10 videos
/ all in one night!
Freestyle passes the EDITORIAL DEPARTMENT.
FREESTYLE
We're writin' funny articles / and
postin' funny tweets-
Freestyle joins Jeff.
FREESTYLE
and Jeff Rubin's / hostin' a live
stream!
Freestyle surrounds SAM looking proud, nodding along.
FREESTYLE
We spared no expense / we booked
the best guests / BriTANick, Broad
City / and Kanye West!
Sam nods along to everything but Kanye.
SAM
Wait, no.
Freestyle ignores Sam and moves on. They approach NATHAN and
CALDWELL working on a GIF and COMIC respectively.
FREESTYLE
Comics to make you laugh / and GIFS
to make you smile / and Murph's
gonna join us / for an epic
freestyle!
REVEAL MURPH, totally caught off guard, mid-conversation
with WATT. Shockwave beatboxes for him.
MURPH
(trying)
Um. Yo. What up. This. Is
embarrassing.
Freestyle ditches him. They move into the Shaubach's editing
room and join JAKE AND AMIR. They dance along.
FREESTYLE
We got Jake & Amir / CH comedy team
/ oh sheesh y'all! / twas a dream!
JAKE / AMIR
Ohhhhhh!
FREESTYLE
They got a new episode / you won't
wanna miss / cuz these two dudes /
promised to french kiss!
Freestyle stares at them and waits. They look uncomfortable.
JAKE
I don't think we did.
AMIR
Uh-
They awkwardly peck.
Freestyle leaves the editing bay, Shockwave is still keeping
the beat. Sam approaches them.
SAM
You guys, please, you're making a
lot of promises we can't live up to
and putting people on the spot-
They PUSH Sam out of the way and head over to JOSH and ADAM.
FREESTYLE
It's Adam and Josh / yo dudes,
wassup? / I heard you guys / can
make yourselves throw-up.
They hand them BUCKETS. Josh and Adam, smile uncomfortably
for camera and then gag themselves. EMILY and ANU try to
sneak by unnoticed, but Freestyle cuts them off.
FREESTYLE
Oh, hello, Emily! / and hello, Anu!
/ two funny ass girls / comin'
right on through!
Anu and Emily smile uncomfortably, they know something bad
is coming.
FREESTYLE
Should we have em' tell a joke? /
nah, how 'bout instead / we watch
them / shave each other's heads!
ANU
(teary-eyed)
No, please-
EMILY
(holding up a buzzer)
We have to. They rapped it.
They SHAVE OFF EACH OTHER's PONYTAILS (WIGS). Freestyle
moves on to KEVIN and STREETER. They look scared.
FREESTYLE
Now Kevin's gonna eat / a slice of
cheese-
They hand Kevin a slice of cheese. He and Streeter look
relieved.
KEVIN
Okay.
FREESTYLE
And the big dude Street / is gonna
pull out his teeth.
They hand him a pair of dental pliers.
STREETER
Shit!
Streeter goes for his teeth as Freestyle approaches DAN and
PAT.
FREESTYLE
Dan and Pat are gonna fight / to
the very last breath / Everybody
gather 'round / it's a fight to the
death!
Pat pulls a gun on Dan.
DAN
But we're friends, Pat!
PAT
(emotional)
Not anymore.
Freestyle ditches them and heads over to OWEN.
FREESTYLE
Brace yourselves ya'll / for an
epic finale / for the first time in
years / Owen's gonna call his
daddy!
PAN to OWEN on headphones at his desk. He takes his
headphones off.
OWEN
I haven't- I haven't spoken to him
since he left.
Shockwave beatboxes threateningly.
OWEN
Okay, okay. You don't have to
beatbox at me!
Owen pulls out his phone and dials.
OWEN
(indignant)
Hello, father. I've got something
I've been meaning to say to you-
(suddenly emotional)
Wait. Letters? I never got your
letters. Mom must have been hiding
them from me.
(breaks down crying)
I miss you. Just- just come home,
dad.
FREESTYLE
(gang vocals)
Just come home dad! / Ya son's so
sad! / Just come home dad! / He's
so sad!
Owen sobs uncontrollably.
OWEN
I love you too.
FREESTYLE
(gang vocals)
AWWWW JUST COME HOME DAD!
Freestyle strikes a pose. With the final beat, A GUN SHOT
goes off.
PAT (O.S.)
(serious)
I'm sorry, Dan.
(beat)
Ew, Kevin, are you eating cheese?
END.
FEATURE
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Script
All-Nighter: Rap Intro
INT. OFFICE JEFF addresses camera. JEFF And now, to kick off the CollegeHumor All-Nighter, Freestyle Love Supreme! WHIP PAN TO: FREESTYLE LOVE SUPREME. They perform for camera, making their way through the office and referencing various CAST MEMBERS along the way. FREESTYLE Welcome to the show / we'll treat you right / we're makin' 10 videos / all in one night! Freestyle passes the EDITORIAL DEPARTMENT. FREESTYLE We're writin' funny articles / and postin' funny tweets- Freestyle joins Jeff. FREESTYLE and Jeff Rubin's / hostin' a live stream! Freestyle surrounds SAM looking proud, nodding along. FREESTYLE We spared no expense / we booked the best guests / BriTANick, Broad City / and Kanye West! Sam nods along to everything but Kanye. SAM Wait, no. Freestyle ignores Sam and moves on. They approach NATHAN and CALDWELL working on a GIF and COMIC respectively. FREESTYLE Comics to make you laugh / and GIFS to make you smile / and Murph's gonna join us / for an epic freestyle! REVEAL MURPH, totally caught off guard, mid-conversation with WATT. Shockwave beatboxes for him. MURPH (trying) Um. Yo. What up. This. Is embarrassing. Freestyle ditches him. They move into the Shaubach's editing room and join JAKE AND AMIR. They dance along. FREESTYLE We got Jake & Amir / CH comedy team / oh sheesh y'all! / twas a dream! JAKE / AMIR Ohhhhhh! FREESTYLE They got a new episode / you won't wanna miss / cuz these two dudes / promised to french kiss! Freestyle stares at them and waits. They look uncomfortable. JAKE I don't think we did. AMIR Uh- They awkwardly peck. Freestyle leaves the editing bay, Shockwave is still keeping the beat. Sam approaches them. SAM You guys, please, you're making a lot of promises we can't live up to and putting people on the spot- They PUSH Sam out of the way and head over to JOSH and ADAM. FREESTYLE It's Adam and Josh / yo dudes, wassup? / I heard you guys / can make yourselves throw-up. They hand them BUCKETS. Josh and Adam, smile uncomfortably for camera and then gag themselves. EMILY and ANU try to sneak by unnoticed, but Freestyle cuts them off. FREESTYLE Oh, hello, Emily! / and hello, Anu! / two funny ass girls / comin' right on through! Anu and Emily smile uncomfortably, they know something bad is coming. FREESTYLE Should we have em' tell a joke? / nah, how 'bout instead / we watch them / shave each other's heads! ANU (teary-eyed) No, please- EMILY (holding up a buzzer) We have to. They rapped it. They SHAVE OFF EACH OTHER's PONYTAILS (WIGS). Freestyle moves on to KEVIN and STREETER. They look scared. FREESTYLE Now Kevin's gonna eat / a slice of cheese- They hand Kevin a slice of cheese. He and Streeter look relieved. KEVIN Okay. FREESTYLE And the big dude Street / is gonna pull out his teeth. They hand him a pair of dental pliers. STREETER Shit! Streeter goes for his teeth as Freestyle approaches DAN and PAT. FREESTYLE Dan and Pat are gonna fight / to the very last breath / Everybody gather 'round / it's a fight to the death! Pat pulls a gun on Dan. DAN But we're friends, Pat! PAT (emotional) Not anymore. Freestyle ditches them and heads over to OWEN. FREESTYLE Brace yourselves ya'll / for an epic finale / for the first time in years / Owen's gonna call his daddy! PAN to OWEN on headphones at his desk. He takes his headphones off. OWEN I haven't- I haven't spoken to him since he left. Shockwave beatboxes threateningly. OWEN Okay, okay. You don't have to beatbox at me! Owen pulls out his phone and dials. OWEN (indignant) Hello, father. I've got something I've been meaning to say to you- (suddenly emotional) Wait. Letters? I never got your letters. Mom must have been hiding them from me. (breaks down crying) I miss you. Just- just come home, dad. FREESTYLE (gang vocals) Just come home dad! / Ya son's so sad! / Just come home dad! / He's so sad! Owen sobs uncontrollably. OWEN I love you too. FREESTYLE (gang vocals) AWWWW JUST COME HOME DAD! Freestyle strikes a pose. With the final beat, A GUN SHOT goes off. PAT (O.S.) (serious) I'm sorry, Dan. (beat) Ew, Kevin, are you eating cheese? END.Credits
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