Something I've contended with all of my life is that mayonnaise sucks. It's a weird, gross condiment - egg yolk plus oil plus vinegar (or lemon juice) is just about the least appetizing combination of foodstuffs I can imagine, and the idea of putting that gloppy viscous stuff on my otherwise perfect BLT sandwich is absolutely revolting to me. Still, taste is a subjective thing - but you know what's NOT subjective? These bizarre weird facts about mayonnaise that prove it IS a very unusual condiment - one that has a lot of uses, but none of which are "sandwich improvement."
1. Mayonnaise can be used to remove tar from burn victims
Even though we don't live in the Middle Ages anymore, tar burns still occur every now and then - although they're typically just occupational hazards now for individuals working in various areas of construction / road maintenance / etc. But burns from hot tar are difficult for a number of reasons - specifically because tar dries and adheses to the skin, so removing it becomes a delicate process to pull as little healthy dermis as possible. How do hospitals do it? You guessed it - mayonnaise.
Not ALL hospitals will use mayonnaise for ALL tar burns, but many find it to be a useful solution for milder cases. Here was the conclusion of a case study done in Pakistan:
Thus the use of sunflower oil and mayonnaise for removing tar is recommended more over. If sunflower oil and mayonnaise are insufficient for removing a thick layer of tar, then the use of diesel is suggested.
Hear that? Mayo's alternative is goddamn DIESEL FUEL. I dunno about you, but I don't want my condiments also being that closely related to ACTUAL CAR FUEL. Still, pretty cool you can do this with it!
2. Mayonnaise can ALSO be used as....thermal paste for computers?
Hey - are you building a brand new PC but forgot to get thermal paste? And, for whatever reason, you just HAVE to get that computer up and running immediately, even though you forgot a key component necessary to make sure your computer doesn't catch on fire? Well, you're in luck - because mayonnaise serves as an EXCELLENT substitute for thermal paste (which, again, is meant to keep the working parts of your computer from actually catching on fire by eliminating open spaces to maximize the transfer of heat).
Kinda weird that mayonnaise just happens to work pretty well as a thermal paste, right? Well it gets even weirder - some studies have shown it actually works EVEN BETTER than many commercial thermal paste products....in the short-term at least. Mayo works real well for the first 24 hours or so, but its integrity and performance begins to degrade soon after (although you CAN continue using it longer)
3. It kills lice
Hey, here's another kinda bizarre, unexpected use for what is ostensibly an edible condiment - mayonnaise can be used to kill lice by suffocating them! See, mayonnaise's gelatinous, viscous texture makes it perfect for filling in any space and removing the gaps while also trapping anything it comes into contact with from making any kind of escape. Pretty gross (to me, at least) for food, but pretty great for MURDERING BUGS:
A few years ago, I unfortunately got lice. I tried all the products that the local drug stores had to offer and found that nothing worked. Afraid of killing more brain cells than lice, I refrained from using any more toxic chemicals on my hair and resorted to mayonnaise. It is a safe way to kill lice, and it works! Massage mayonnaise into your hair and cover it with a shower cap before you go to sleep. Wash it out in the morning and use a fine comb to comb out any dead eggs. If needed, repeat 7-10 days later.
So remember the next time you're thinking of putting mayo on your sandwich - this is the stuff you could lather onto your head to murder a bunch of bugs and have to dig out dead eggs afterwards! Mmm, yummy.
4. It's an instrument (sorta)
There's an old Spongebob scene where Patrick (being the dumb one, of course) naively asks if mayonnaise counts as an instrument. Squidward (being the one who is sick of everyone's bullshit all the time, of course) blithely responds that - of course - it ISN'T an instrument.
But here's the thing: it can totally work as an instrument. Because of it's gross, goopy, Jell-O-esque texture, it makes some pretty solid noises when slapped with a spoon, and it won't lose its shape too much (as proven by Youtuber Flamp):
5. Science says it's gross
Okay, enough beating around the bush - SCIENCE SAYS MAYONNAISE IS GROSS. Not that it tastes bad or ruins sandwiches, mind you, but that it is NATURAL that it triggers disgust in many people. Both Popular Science and Huffington Post have producted scientifically-backed articles explaining the nature of disgust, and why mayonnaise fits the bill for so many people - the short answer is "it looks like pus." Here's what Kendra Pierre-Louis of Popular Science has to say:
"Its viscous quality is the sort of thickness that you'd get from fluid oozing out of a rotted carcass as anyone who has ever poked a rotted squirrel with a stick can attest. Disgust also tends to align strongly with our revulsion about bodily fluids. We don't exactly market lemonade by saying that it looks like pee. And the creamy appearance of mayonnaise isn't dissimilar from what would emerge from say a popped zit."
But there's more - not only is it vaguely reminiscent in its texture, consistency, and coloring as one of the grossest bodily fluids (the one mostly associated with INFECTION, no less), but the fact that it JIGGLES winds up setting off alarms. Here's what Brown University's Rachel Herz (and author of That's Disgusting: Unraveling the Mysteries of Repulsion) was able to explain:
"Its texture is what makes it most repulsive. It has the ability to wobble and does not sit inert, even though it is not animate. The inert taking on qualities of an animate object can create feelings of disgust. Its moving implies a living thing, and living things can contaminate you."
Of course, not everyone is disgusted by mayonnaise - there is just plenty of scientific backing for people who are grossed out by EDIBLE PUS. So don't you dare hassle anyone who says they don't like mayonnaise or brush their concerns aside if you hand them a sandwich drenched in that stuff - they've got VERY GOOD REASON to not want to be near it.