Today the government released over 3,000 files pertaining to the assassination of John F. Kennedy. We here at CollegeHumor have done a deep dive through all of the records, photographs, sound recordings, and artifacts present in today's release, and present here what we believe are COMPELLING pieces of evidence as to who assassinated the 35th President of the United States and why.


Each of the following excerpts are presented as they appeared in "The President John F. Kennedy Assassination Records Collection". We believe the contents presented here may have given those close to the President motive for assassinating him.

January 4th, 1962 - 12:45PM

  1. JFK

    "Read my lips. Let's. do. ISIS."

  2. Aide

    "Sir, what?"

  3. JFK (pointing, laughing)

    "This guy knows what I'm talkin about lol."

April 6th, 1962 - 6:30AM

  1. JFK (loudly, to no one)

    "A pre-emptive invasion of Iraq would be a really smart move! I'm gonna write that down."

July 10th, 1962 - 6:03PM

  1. JFK (practicing in front of the mirror)

    "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask why NO SCIENTIST can PROVE that Flat Earth isn't real. No seriously. For more information visit"

August 30th, 1962 - 4:50 PM

  1. Secret Service Agent

    "Mr. President the United States Ambassador to China is on the lin-"

  2. JFK

    "Hey SHUT UP, everyone shut up and listen. I have a great idea for a movie character. His name is Jar Jar Binks and he's this alien..."

September 9th, 1962, 2:32PM

  1. Foreign Diplomat

    It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. President.

  2. JFK

     "Yeah, yeah. No one's gonna say it huh? Well I will. We need to build a wall and Donald J. Trump is the only man who can do it."

January 11th, 1963 - 5:45PM

  1. Intern (mic'ing JFK prior to his State of the Union Address)

    "Sorry let me just slip this microphone through your shirt collar here."

  2. JFK

    "I'm gonna make Four Loko."

  3. Intern


  4. JFK

    "Four Loko. It's gonna be an energy drink AND alcoholic so you get super fucked up."

  5. Intern

    "Mr. President that sounds dangerous."

  6. JFK

    "It will be!"

March 2nd, 1963 - 2:00AM

  1. JFK

    "Take 'King of the Hill' off of Netflix. No one wants it there!"

May 6th, 1963 - 4:44PM

  1. JFK

    "Damn, fedoras are cool. Every red-blooded American should wear one, and always talk about it."

June 3rd, 1963 - 6:33AM

  1. JFK

    "Videogames should become a bigger thing and then Gamergate should happen."

July 30th, 1963 - 3:05PM

  1. Jackie O

     Would you like to watch anything on television sweetheart?

  2. JFK

    Honestly I don't care. I'm just twiddling my thumbs here until Jake and Logan Paul come along and change the fucking entertainment game forever."

November 1st, 1963 - 11:00AM

  1. JFK

    "EPIC FAIL will always be a cool, funny thing to say - even in the far off year of 2017!"

November 6th, 1963 - 4:00PM

  1. JFK

     "Someone should give Seth McFarlane a sci-fi Show"

November 11th, 1963 - 8:45AM

  1. Member of the Press

    Sir, let's talk about the ramifications of the Bay of Pigs.

  2. JFK

    "Not now nerd. I'm putting all of this great country's resources into developing the technology for a little something I like to call - THE ZUNE!!!"

November 21st, 1963 - 9:00 PM

  1. Aide

    "Sir it's time for the Easter Egg Roll on the lawn."

  2. JFK

    "Ugh I hate working at the White House. Man, oh, man. If I could work anywhere, it'd be on the top floor of the World Trade Center in New York. I would get into work at exactly 8:45am..."

So there you have it. Put all the conspiracy theories to bed. JFK was a monster who needed to be dealt with. This is all canon.