Piers Morgan is known for a lot of things - infamously running The Daily Mirror, hosting a variety of reality shows and his own CNN program, winning The Celebrity Apprentice, and generally being a contentious blowhard whose parents named him "Piers" instead of "Pierce" for some reason. But lately his main gig (aside from hosting a morning show) has been getting into feuds online with a variety of people - all because he couldn't stop himself from trying to battle JK Rowling (who has been on a roast-spree this year).
And, for the most part, he is just constantly getting completely owned online.
Let's start with the most relevant and ill-advised feud Piers Morgan has waded into lately: one with universally-beloved author and philanthropist J.K. Rowling. An incredibly smart move to pick a fight with someone who has donated so much money to charity that she lost her status as a billionaire, Piers. The recent spat got started with JK Rowling publicly celebrating a previous Piers Morgan own - with Morgan on an episode of Bill Maher's show saying Trump in fact did not sign an Executive Order with the intention of banning certain Muslims from entering the US and comedian Jim Jeffries telling him to "fuck off":
Yes, watching Piers Morgan being told to fuck off on live TV is *exactly* as satisfying as I'd always imagined. https://t.co/4FII8sYmIt-- J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) February 11, 2017
Some important notes here: JK Rowling didn't even tweet at Piers Morgan's Twitter handle, nor was she the one brutally owning him on television. So Piers really didn't HAVE to respond to her in any way - but he (for some reason) decided it would be a smart move for him to start a feud with the best-selling author since Shakespeare, responding that he's never even READ Harry Potter!
This is why I've never read a single word of Harry Potter. https://t.co/XUJBMs4KKm-- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 11, 2017
Piers' attempt at "owning" JK Rowling here is pretty stupid for a lot of reasons - he's claiming that he never read Harry Potter in the past because he knew the author would one day tweet about how satisfying it would be to watch him get publicly humiliated in February 2017? What?! Rowling tweeted to him about the logical insanity of his failed burn:
Because you had a premonition that one day the author would roar with laughter at seeing you called out for your bullshit on live TV? https://t.co/8rkKSqJTnG-- J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) February 11, 2017
And as if she hadn't dragged him enough at this point, she rubbed a littttttle extra salt on the wound to make sure Piers would know to not mess with her:
Hint: it did not work.
2. His Own Son
As if it wasn't enough to get raked online by attempting (and failing) to take on JK Rowling, Piers Morgan's own son - Spencer - has taken sides in the feud...seemingly in favor of JK Rowling, as he tweeted this after Rowling's initial tweet about Morgan's Bill Maher appearance:
So - Spencer has a tattoo of the Deathly Hallows from Harry Potter, but no tattoo of Piers Morgan's face? Sounds like he's firmly in Rowling's camp in this feud, especially when he followed it up in the next few days with these:
To his credit, Piers Morgan seems to be (I think) taking this with good humor, responding with angry emojis at his son (with whom he seems to have a pretty decent relationship, based on their Twitter history, which is mostly full of football discussion):
???????? https://t.co/eekVgMpYrC-- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 15, 2017
Still, it's gotta sting to have your own son throw his allegiance behind the lady you're trying to battle online.
3. A Guy Who Is Tweeting Literally All of Harry Potter At Him, Line by Line
Here's the real problem in running afoul of the author of the most beloved modern fantasy series ever - she's got A LOT of fans and they are VERY DEDICATED. How dedicated? Well, beyond the normal, insane amount of people tweeting angrily at Piers Morgan on a daily basis, he now has to contend with someone tweeting the entirety of the first Harry Potter book at him:
.@piersmorgan Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say-- Big Green Bookshop (@Biggreenbooks) February 11, 2017
that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.
.@piersmorgan They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious..2/32567-- Big Green Bookshop (@Biggreenbooks) February 11, 2017
.@piersmorgan because they just didn't hold with such nonsense. 3/32567-- Big Green Bookshop (@Biggreenbooks) February 11, 2017
That's the Big Green Bookshop, a book store in London, that has been sending 140-characters-or-less bits of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone tweets at Piers Morgan for several days now, and should finish (by their own calculations) at around 32k tweets.
For his part, Piers Morgan is NOT happy about this (but seemingly hasn't blocked them yet for some reason):
So @Biggreenbooks is tweeting me an entire Harry Potter book because I'm a 'twat'.-- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 13, 2017
This, of course, just makes him an even bigger twat.
Jeez. It can't all be as bad as this surely? https://t.co/rxxMv14w7q-- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 15, 2017
Jesus. This is such garbage. https://t.co/05V50wLMpj-- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 15, 2017
But for all of his complaining and feigned indifference, he was PRETTY QUICK to correct Big Green Bookshop when they started tweeting lines from the wrong Harry Potter book...
.@piersmorgan picked up the wrong book didn't I? Rookie mistake.-- Big Green Bookshop (@Biggreenbooks) February 15, 2017
..hang on. How did you know that?
Which leads us to the person who is truly responsible for Piers Morgan getting dunked on all the time...
So a few days had gone by since JK Rowling trounced him online, and Piers Morgan was itching to get back at her - he just needed the right opportunity. Then came February 14th - JK Rowling was simply tweeting out a nice message "someone" had sent her for Valentine's Day, a snippet from an article praising her and her work:
Piers, ever dismissive of Rowling's politics and now looking for an excuse to attack her, jumped on the opportunity - calling Rowling's tweet a "humblebrag" and ripping into her for being so boastful.
But here's the rub: the snippet was from an article written by...Piers Morgan, back in 2010 for The Daily Mail Online:
So yes - Piers Morgan was the one praising Rowling and listing out all the great things she's done for the world and Great Britain, but STILL decided to wander in and act like the praise was undeserved and tweet at her. Because Piers Morgan is....kinda stupid, and excellent at ensuring he gets owned online, even if that means he has to do it himself.
Piers, realizing he'd be caught with his pants down and his dick out and everyone was laughing at him, decided to pull a classic online feud card: "I Actually Did That On Purpose. I'm Not Mad At All - In Fact, I Find This Funny"
Love how many people genuinely think I was 'tricked' by JK Rowling yesterday. They've been reading too much Harry Potter - dumbs the brain.-- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 15, 2017
...which literally no one believed.
Since this, Piers has retreated to the 5 year-old's defense of "SHE STARTED IT!" and the Dumb Celebrity On Twitter's defense of "well I have more followers than you, so I must therefore be smarter!"
a) She started it.-- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 15, 2017
b) You're just sore because I have so many more followers than you. https://t.co/YZdFTAcwHO
So, by Piers' own standards for success, Katy Perry is the best person in the world thanks to her nearly 100 million Twitter followers.
Maybe it's time for Piers to log off for a while.