1. Music


Music used to be SOPHISTICATED and SMART - unlike today, where ALL MUSIC is dumb and bad and for idiots. There is definitely not a wide variety of music today like there was in my day - there is only one kind of music (rap) and it's all stupid and awful even though I've never actually listened to it except in passing and had formed all of my opinions around it well before I had ever really paid any attention to it.

2. Movies


Wow - movies used to be CLASSY and INTELLIGENT things for ADULTS. Now it's ALL superheroes and Seth Rogen and it's made for BABIES. They didn't have any superhero movies in the old days, just an ungodly number of westerns that all look vaguely the same - and instead of Seth Rogen movies exploring friendship and religion, we had unwatchable Jerry Lewis comedies where he made weird faces and fell down a lot.

3. TV


Remember when TV was actually GOOD? I do - it was all police procedurals and Magnum PI and sitcoms with laugh tracks SO WE WOULD KNOW WHEN TO LAUGH! Nowadays on TV, how are you supposed to know when the joke happened? THERE'S NO ONE LAUGHING? That'd be like taking the asbestos out of the wall - how would the wall protect me without it??? Nowadays TV is 100% reality shows and laugh-less sitcoms. Literally all shows fit into those categories, unlike when I was young and TV was 6 channels and was 90% Brady Bunch reruns.

4. Theater


"Durrrrrr I'm Hamilton and I like to rap."

This is false. I seriously doubt Alexander Hamilton knew how to rap. Actually, there never WAS rap in theater - what happened?! Rap is everyone - it's in music, it's in theater, it's probably in my cereal! Get out, rap. I miss the good ol' days of theater, when it was just Hello Dolly! and plays about why the Salem witch trials were bad (not an opinion I share, but the play was good, my wife Martha liked it a lot). Now it's all ALEXANDER HAMILTON RAPPING and probably THE CATS FROM CATS DOING HIP-HOP OR WHATEVER.

5. Phones


Everyone's on their PHONES, engaging with a vast and near-infinite amount of content, videos, articles, and unprecedented levels of communication and connection. They're discovering new things, new points of view, new ways to interact with others...but it's bad because they're on A STUPID PHONE! In MY day, phones were for calling your relatives to tell them Uncle John had passed away and NOTHING ELSE. I don't get how all the bleeps and boops of these darn BUTTONLESS phones are supposed to work - but I know they're bad! My daughter keeps trying to "text" me and "Phase-Time" (?) me instead of just calling me and I'M SCARED BY THIS LEVEL OF TECHNOLOGY THAT SEEMS SO FOREIGN TO ME AND THE EASE AT WHICH YOUNGER GENERATIONS ADAPT TO IT!

6. My Joints


My joints used to be AMAZING. Flexible, pain-free, and worked like a charm. But my joints NOWADAYS? Awful. Painful, unmovable, and just plain bad. I don't like growing older - everything hurts more, everything brings me less joy than when I young and healthy, and I'm just more generally disconnected from pop culture, since I mostly associate artistic works I like with my younger days when I was active and engaged with the world. As I get older and more bitter, I find myself less open-minded and more stuck in my ways - and I hate that. I want to experience new things with fresh eyes, but it's easier to complain and get lost in my own nostalgia.

I miss you so much, Martha. You are my heart...