1. You spend all day in bed together.


At first you're like THIS FEELS SO NICE, but after a while your friends start asking "Where have you been?" "What's going on?" "Why haven't you been at work?"

2. He doesn't take an interest in things you care about.

You LOVE snowboarding and reading biographies on conjoined twins. But your boy D haaaates that shit. He says it's useless and too energy-consuming. When you're together, you're stuck doing the boring things HE likes: sleeping, crying in the shower, dwelling on universal emptiness, and watching infomercials.

3. He likes to cause scenes in public.


You're just at work reading emails when out of nowhere, Depression runs inyour office and screams mean things at you until you cry. What a dick.

4. You might be embarrassed to introduce him to people.


He's a big part of you life and your good friends won't judge you, but he's just SO embarrassing to bring ANYWHERE.

5. He's seeing other people

He wants to control your life, but he doesn't even have the decency to be exclusive. That little shit has fucked around with ten percent of the adult population.

6. When you try to end things, he won't leave you alone.


Just when you think you've washed your hands clean of him, GUESS WHO DECIDES to invite himself to your friend's party, your cousin's baptism, your class final, and your morning bathroom routine. This dude's OBSESSED with you. Get a professional involved to get restraining order on his ass.

Illustrated by the inimitable Amir Khan.

Why You Shouldn't Name Your Kid Mike