The Oscars don't matter. At all. It's an awards ceremony, where Hollywood pats itself on the back and says "Good job, us!" It's a group of people who share basically nothing in common with normal people trying to declare which piece of art is best. It's trying to give an intrinsically subjective medium an objective ranking.

Also it's long and boring and SUCKS anyways.

They pick the most boring choices for Best Picture EVERY SINGLE YEAR

Best Picture is a designation that should MEAN SOMETHING. It should be something revelatory and new - something that challenges the status quo and says something huge and important. And, yet, time and time again, the Academy Awards gives it's 'best of the best' award to the most boring, predictable bullshit imaginable. 

Got a period historical drama starring British people that everyone will forget entirely in a year? Congratulations! You've got a damn good shot at Best Picture!

How many times have you revisited The Artist? The King's Speech? Shakespeare in Love? The English Patient?

Not that that's the ONLY kind of movie that wins Best Picture, but it's a surprisingly large percentage of winners and nominees. And it's not like the rest of the winners are particularly notable - stuff like The Departed and Argo are fine movies, but the best movies of the entire year? The Departed is the Academy's apology to not giving Martin Scorsese the Oscar for Goodfellas, and Argo is - like - a PRETTY good movie to see with your parents.

These films don't challenge anything - they're all fine films, some pretty great. But they're conventional, and their wins say everything about why the Oscars mean nothing.


It is insanely long and nobodys drunk and everythings always terrible

Johnny Carson, when opening the 1979 Academy Awards, famously described the night as "two hours of sparkling entertainment, spread out over a four-hour show."

He was being too generous. 

Each Academy Awards show contains approximately half an hour or so of actual awards being given out. The rest of the time is spent with awful hackneyed banter between celebrity presenters, shitty music numbers, montages of old movies, and a once-respected comedian host making tired jokes. And worse yet, everyone's pretending this is the MOST HIGH CLASS, RESPECTFUL awards show there is, so no one's having any fun and everyone's acting as though they're the most important people on the planet. 

Say what you will about the legitimacy of the Golden Globes, but at least everyone's plastered for that.



The ultimate death knell for any beloved comedian or actor is hosting the Oscars - it doesn't matter if you're an edgy standup like Chris Rock, a long-respected talk show host like David Letterman, or the nicest person in showbiz like Ellen Degeneres - it's an unwinnable situation. NO ONE can make a 4 hour slog like the Oscars bearable, and everyone comes off looking bad. 

There's a misconception that the host can even affect the flow of the show - the reality is that they're barely on-stage except for the opening and a few small bits in-between montage tributes to Tom Hanks movies.