Congratulations! Today is the first day of your new job! Obviously, you want today to go well. You want to say all the right things. Here is a simple guide on how to interact with everyone in your new office to make the best first impression:


Your New Boss:

With your new boss, show respect. Don't say anything to him unless he speaks to you first. He doesn't need new ideas, he needs workers. Nothing says, "I'm a team player" like saying nothing at all.


Your New Team Member:

The relationship between team members is a sacred one. You need to be someone they can depend on, someone who listens to them. Don't say anything to your new team member. Only listen. Don't say a word. If you say a word, you're not listening to them and that's not nice. If they ask you about you, don't say anything. You're humble. You're here to work. They'll respect that.


Your New Office Crush:

Wow, this person is just your type. You want to know what the perfect opening line is? The best opening line is nothing. Strong. Silent. Make them come to you. You're going to be the cool guy this time. You know who talks a lot? Vince Vaughn. Nobody wants to date Vince Vaughn. You know who never talks? Ryan Gosling. Everyone wants Ryan Gosling.


Your New Office Receptionist:

Don't talk, she has an audition later she has to focus on.


Your New Security Guard:

If you see something, don't say anything.


Your New Coworker Who Sneezes:

Don't say anything. You don't want to get into a whole religious thing with "God Bless You."


Your New Coworker Who Wants To Fight:

Don't say anything. Just punch until he's dead.


Your New Office Dog:

Don't say anything. It'd be weird if the only time you spoke on your first day was to a dog.


Your New Office Janitor:

This is the hardest working person in your office and you have respect for everything they do. Talk to them. Do you think you're too good to talk to someone who cleans up after you? What's the matter with you?