1 The paper towels are missing

Hey wait, anyone seen the roll of paper towels? Ahh. My roommate grabbed them a few minutes ago. Must be doing some impromptu dusting in his room at 3:30 am on a Saturday. While super drunk, too! That's just how he is, total neat freak. Remember to dust behind the surge protector, that thing's a haven for cat hair!


2 They were just blasting music really loud for about eight minutes

It appears my roommate has decided to listen to some music, super loudly. And now he's done listening to music, after like, ten minutes. Guess that was enough music. "That was a sufficient amount of music for now," he probably said, before turning off the music and reverting back to the book he was reading.

(SIDENOTE: My housemate in college used to blast Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" super-loudly any time he and his girlfriend were having sex, which, of course, ended up being a billion times more conspicuous than if he just hadn't put on any music to cover up the noises.)


3 Theyre suddenly wearing a bathrobe or some other random thing they never wear

Interesting new ensemble there, roomie. I'm assuming you made the conscious fashion decision to suddenly change into that old Ichiro Yankees jersey and backwards mesh shorts, and didn't just throw random shit on in the dark in five seconds. Honestly, you could wear that to half the bars we go to without anyone looking.


4 You hear someone sprint to the bathroom, then someone else three minutes later

Wow, my roommate REALLY must've had to pee. Then someone else also did shortly after that. I can tell they really had to go because they friggin' SPRINTED into there. They appeared to be wearing only t-shirts and rushing to wash off some sort of substance that got onto them. OHHHH I know what they were doing! Eating spaghetti in bed again, I see? Messy messy.


5 Someones smoking in the bedroom for some reason, possibly two people

Hmm, usually my roommate goes outside to smoke. And almost never smokes two cigarettes simultaneously while making a haphazard effort to blow the smoke outside through the air conditioner even though it's still super obvious-smelling. I get it ;-) ;-) ;-)  Your nicotine addiction has taken a sudden jarring upswing.