That's right, the original. I know there's a sequel that just came out but guess what, it didn't answer any of my questions. That is, according to its Wikipedia page, because I have not seen it. Don't tell me what happens jk I already know what happens I read the Wikipedia page have you even been listening? LET'S DIVE IN!


1. Magic Mike's custom furniture is made out of "just some shit that blew up on the beach after the last hurricane."


To be clear, he says this while pointing to a beautiful table made out of a recycled airplane turbine...the only thing I found in my backyard after hurricane Isabel circa 2003 was half of a gutter that was still kinda attached to my house. So either Magic Mike is literally the king of DIY and also very skilled at finding large and completely upheld pieces of metal on the beach or he's just kinda full of shit. Oh also someone's plane went down. And so Magic Mike made a table.


2. That pink-haired girl, what's she really about?


So, pink-haired girl. Mona or something. Nora? Whatever, doesn't matter, I think she opens her mouth like, once. Not important. The real issue I have with this character is that Mike kind of warns Adam to stay away from her like "OHHH she's so dangerous, she's bad news bears she is what's going to be the central conflict in this narrative!!" And yeah she takes him into a room where he tries ecstasy for the first time that leads to addiction (is that scientifically possible? Srlsy, I'm wondering) but that's it...she didn't even make him do it. And then she's like in a bed in another scene and that's it and she seems kinda like no big deal after all but EVERYONE'S getting all worked up about Mona. Nora. Whatever. 


3. That time Mike says, "Look at what she's wearing tonight, she came here to be bothered."

First of all, idk if anyone's ever trying to be "bothered." So...word choice, Mike. Secondly, she's wearing a dress...she's out with's her 21st birthday party...looks to me like she came here to get drunk with her girl pals and maybe hook up with someone on her own terms or maybe just go home and make a Digiorno? Either way, no, she doesn't wanna sleep with your 19 year old friend. Or maybe she does, but you're not gonna find that out by looking at her dress. GAHHH DUH, MAGIC MIKE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE GOOD GUY.


4. Tarzan is like, OD-ing or something and everyone seems pretty okay with it


Dallas (Matthew McConaughey) kinda walks in and is like "Oh this again," to which I ask, what, an unconscious man on the floor of your establishment? I think they give him one light smack on the face and immediately abandon ship, jumping into action about who else is going to get naked on stage because as far as they know Tarzan is dead and you win some you lose some, but you gotta keep truckin' 'cause business is business, baby!


5. Adam's stripper name is "The Kid"

HmMMmmmmM'okay I'll say it. Not sure I'd be turned on by a stripper referred to as The Kid. Like "Oh yeah I went to that male strip club the other day." "Really, that's weird?" "You're missing the point, I saw The Kid, and he was so hot. Then The Kid started grinding on me, and I pretty much lost it. Oh, and then he slipped me ecstasy and now we're both addicted to it, even though I'm not sure if that's possible, and uh yeah now I hook up with The Kid all the time!" " like little kids."  "I CAN NEVER WIN WITH YOU!!!"