Imagine your crush taking a dump


It's really hard to be physically attracted to someone you've formed a mental image of struggling to drop some steamy logs.


Dont tell anyone that you have a crush


Once you actually tell a friend "I like this person," vague feelings floating in the ether solidify into an actual crush. It's a Beetlejuice curse: if you say "crush" three times out loud, that person will take up residence in your mind and make you do stupid things.



Have someone else describe the person


Everyone's "best" qualities can be seen in a negative light, so listen to someone who doesn't see your crush awash in the glow of sexual interest. If you see your crush as "shy," "kind," and "handsome" someone else might describe those same qualities as "standoffish," "a human doormat," and "if someone photomanipulated The Joker and Ness together, but then gave him sharper features and emptier eyes."


Look at old photos of your crush

You're already on their Facebook everyday, longingly pining over photos of their chiseled jawline, so might as well keep scrolling. If you go far enough, you'll see photographic evidence of them duckfacing in a Hooters or wearing UFO pants. How could you ever care for someone who once earnestly captioned a photo " *~*~hoes want attention women want respect*~*~ "???




Assuming you are on a texting basis with your crush, you're constantly trying to think of a reason to contact them. Every time a wave of GIMME ATTENTION, ATTRACTIVE PERSON hits, get on Tinder and swipe your way to a new crush. And who knows, maybe your crush has a Tinder, and you guys guys might match?! How crazy would that be??!!


Talk to them for any substantial amount of time


Anyone can be blank canvases to project romantic fantasies until you interact enough. If you get to know them well enough, their flaws become apparent. Maybe ask him on a date, form a serious relationship, take Paint and Sip classes together, go to his family reunion in Nebraska, get bored with the minutia of everyday life, and dump him over a stupid fight about an old Facebook caption.


Who am I kidding. Willie, please come back. I'll never get over you ... no matter how many times I imagine that sweet sweet booty ploppin' another steamer out on the shitter.