1 Become the type of person who enjoys wine tasting

In order to have a really good wine tasting trip, you have to first work hard at becoming an annoying, over analyzing person who can't enjoy the simple things in life without taking all the fun out of them. Starting early is key. Make sure your childhood is sad and empty, and the only escape is to convince yourself the reason you have no friends is that you're smarter than everyone else and they just can't challenge you enough. 

2 Alienate all your friends until you find someone who can take a 40 minute lecture before having a drink

Finding a buddy to go with you to wine tasting is not simple. To connect with this person, you have to first weed out all your normal friends. Show up to a party and spend the entire time lecturing people about wine, even though they don't give a crap and just want to drink it peacefully. If you sense someone is feeling like a classy person because they're at a wine and cheese party, make sure to destroy their happiness by telling them they don't know squat about wine, and proceed to explain to them why they have a simple palate that is no match for your superior tongue. When you find someone who doesn't punch you in the face - that's your trip buddy!

3 Drive three hours to drink the same wine you have at home

Pack your things and head over to wine country -- a beautiful, green place with a european feel that you will not enjoy at all because you'll be too busy inside a musty wine cellar. Chat with your driving companion about the great wines you'll soon taste, and convince yourself there is any difference between them and the red wine you have at home from when your drunk uncle came to visit.

4 Read a thesaurus to learn 58 different words to describe smell

Tasting wine is all about communicating your experience to your companions. Once there, you'll have to match their complicated lingo of endless gibberish descriptions. Describing wine is just like making up a little story that doesn't make any sense, but has big words in it. Let's say you drank some red wine that tasted good. You can say it was like, "A Sleuth deciphering an antediluvian enigma within your orifice, resurfacing a case that was adrifted in the humdrum after-taste of everyday life." Just like an article in the New Yorker, the more you babble the better.

5 Miss the whole point of drinking and stay sober the whole time

Wine tasting is not about drinking wine or having fun. The reason it's called tasting is that you only get a little glimpse into what it would be like to drink wine. This is not about enjoying it, so much as it is about deciding which would be the best wine to enjoy once you actually decide to enjoy. which is probably never. Think about it as like going to Disneyland, sea world and six flags, but not getting a ticket. You drive all the way over, stand outside and watch the happy people, trying to decide which theme park you think is best for your daughter's birthday. Only you're never actually planning on having a daughter, but you are going to show up here every year and creep everyone out with your staring.

During the ride home, you'll have a long time to think about what just happened. You'll recall spending a whole day pretending you tasted something you clearly didn't, and chatting with people who have no idea what they're talking about, but no one wants to admit it because it'll ruin the mood. Swear to yourself that this is the last time you go on a wine tasting trip, and save that money to go on an actual trip with some value.

7 Get home, have a glass of wine and remember how good it is when youre not over thinking it

Pour yourself a glass of wine and finally swallow it. Ahhh... remember how good it really tastes when you're not bullshitting your way through it? It's just classy, mouthwatering alcohol that's.... wait, no! Stop. Don't gargle it! Jesus, don't notice its acidity levels!! Ahh, hell. You're back in. See you next year.