1. Vampire Baseball

The Twilight films are miserable - they're dull and plodding, they promote unhealthy relationships (both abusive ones and ones that involve adult werewolves being in love with newborn babies), and they lack any kind of compelling narrative or character. But one thing the Twilight films DO have is an awesome fake sport: vampire baseball.

Well, okay, it's only in the first film, but it's great - the vampires are so strong that can't help but smash every single baseball thrown at them about 50 miles into the atmosphere...so the only time they can play (and not draw attention to themselves) is during thunderstorms. But it basically turns into the most fun version of baseball possible - just constant, crazy homeruns, not much fielding, and very few instances of the infield fly rule.


2. Quidditch

Quidditch itself is a sorta dumb sport - while I understand the rules and the quaffles and bludgers and all that nonsense, nothing makes a goddamn difference when catching the golden snitch basically guarantees you a victory. Yes, JK Rowling went to great lengths to demonstrate that there were times when you could catch the snitch and still lose, but the odds of that happening were pretty extraordinarily low.

But none of that matters! Because it's basically a weird dodgeball-basketball-rugby mashup played mid-air. Sure, you can get the same horrifying sports injuries you'd normally get (except way way worse, since - again - you're playing WHILE FLYING), but you can just magically heal any ailments. Even though you SHOULD be trying to learn Occlumency to prevent the Dark Lord from being able to enter your mind, but that's a whiny nerd topic for another article.

Note: I'm aware there are people who play Quidditch in real life, running around on brooms and not flying or being magical or anything that actually makes Quidditch good and fun. It is not the same thing.


3. Battle Royale

Sorry, Hunger Games, but YOUR "buncha kids murdering each other in an enclosed space so that only one can emerge victorious and alive" barely holds a candle to the non-union Japanese equivalent. First off, Battle Royale is a little more fun because all the kids are given a random weapon to start out (ranging from "a pot" to "the most insane assault rifle you've ever seen"), but also because it seems at least POSSIBLE in our world. There are no weird magic dirt-dogs, no super-bees, and no mystery-dome-that-creates-mystery-gas - it's just an island filled with kids with explosives attached to their necks.

I'd die REAL early on - too chickenshit to kill anyone else, too cowardly to kill myself, but juuuuust helpless enough to get murdered by anyone who I cross paths with. Still, it'd be a helluva ride til then.


4. Podracing

One of the most redeemable parts of the Star Wars prequels was podracing - which is basically just super-fast racing without a track using landspeeder-y things that crash and explode a lot. It's really, really unsafe! And yet they let children and aliens alike compete with wildly different KINDS of podracers in mostly unregulated races.

Would I die? Almost definitely. Would it be awesome? If it can make even Jake Lloyd briefly seem cool, I think so.