*gaaaassp Oh thank God. It was just a dream. But we're not talking your run-of-the mill, naked-in-public bad dream. We're talking the cold-sweat-lurch-up-onto-your-hands-and-breathe-like-you-are-emerging-from-the-sea-horrific-nightterror-that-vaulted-you-out-of-REM-sleep-and-will-be-on-your-mind-for-the-rest-of-the-day.



When the big day arrives, are you just gonna rub your eyes and slowly amble out from under the sheets? NO! The second your alarm clock beeps, you're gonna jolt out of bed like a regular Jack be Nimble and throw on your Sunday best, deadset on showing this town they ain't seen NOTHIN yet.

UGH, MORNINGS. Some of us just aren't good with 'em. So naturally we smash the fuck out of an alarm clock we bought with our own money, and which we will have to go out after work and replace if we are to arise on time tomorrow.


What happened? How did I get here? Chances are if you wake up blinking tightly a couple of times and furrowing your brow, you are in a hospital from a huge car accident that you faintly remember. You will ask "Where am I?" and a nurse, a loved one, or a doctor looking at your charts will clue you in evvverything.



Not today! On this most important day!? Shit, shit, shit, shit gotta throw on the shoes and...why won't the car start!?! This CANNOT be happening today. I've been preparing for this day for so long because of its high importance! I'm so desperate that if a small neighborhood child riding a tricycle passes, I have no choice but to take it!



UGGGGGGHHHHHHH everything hurts. Last night was insane. You can tell because I'm not in my bed and also look at this mess!!! I don't remember anything. If I knew where my alarm clock was I'd smash that thing to bits.



I used to hate mornings, but now whenever I wake up I am constantly reminded of all the little miracles that come with the dawn of a new day. This is because last night I had incredible sex, so now love permeates the essence of my being. Also, I have nowhere to be and can take as much time as I need to start the day.