Thanks for coming, everyone. Hail Satan. I called this meeting to discuss Kevin.
Kevin Mitchell, the 23-year-old Best Buy assistant manager from Dearborn, Michigan?
That's the one. We've been monitoring his Macbook for months now and he's been accessing some very disturbing websites as of late. We think it might be time to take him down.
- Bill Gates
What sites has he been on?
Well just the other day he Googled "how to pick up chicks at a funeral." Clearly this is an extremely disturbed individual we're dealing with here.
- Koch Brothers
- George Soros
What do you plan to do?
Well we've had a drone secretly hovering above his bedroom window for months now that could strike at any time if we want to go that route.
- Rupert Murdoch
Of course that's what you want to do.
Hey, I'm open to suggestions. That's why I called this meeting. What do you think, Jimmy?
- Jimmy Hoffa
I say we make this punk an offer he can't refuse. Let me talk to a few of my associates, they'll be at his door within the hour.
- Kim Jong-un
Too aggressive! You know it's shit like this that's going to blow our cover one of these days!
Okay, okay. Calm down. Can anyone suggest a more subtle way to go about this?
- Warren Buffett
Come on guys. You mean to tell me we can trick the world into thinking we put a man on the moon but this we can't do?
- George W. Bush
I got it! Why don't we just brainwash the fucker into going on a rampage? Two birds with one stone!
- Al Gore
That's it! Maybe we could have him kill a global warming activist! That would really help our cause!
Yes, yes I like where this is going. So how do we brainwash him?
- Mark Zuckerberg
I could start flooding his Facebook page with ads from local gun dealers.
- Jay Z
I'll build on that by releasing a new single vaguely insinuating global warming is a myth and suggesting violence should be taken against anyone who spreads it.
- Hilary Clinton
And I'll arrange to have his drinking water spiked with an extra dose of fluoride this month, which will make him more susceptible to our triggers. Works like a charm.
- Lee Harvey Oswald
It really does.
Well this is shaping up nicely. Anyone see any problems we might run into?
Is this really necessary? Couldn't we just steal his remote control or make his cable connection go haywire during the big game like we usually do?
We've tried that. We've even been organizing traffic jams on his way to work every couple of days for the last year and he still won't get the hint. No, this has to be done. Let's get the Master in here and bring him up to speed. Master Cheney?
- Dick Cheney
Yes, Alien Overlord. We've called you here today to offer Kevin Mitchell of Dearborn, Michigan as a sacrifice to further extend the life of your demonic Satan heart. Do you accept?
- Dick Cheney
This pleases the Cheney.
Oh fuck, did you say Kevin Mitchell? Shiiiiit I put a cap in that fo's ass this morning because he shared an Alex Jones story on Twitter. My bad ya'll.
Can we please get to the gay orgy already?
- Walt Disney's Frozen Head
Ooh I know, let's fake another Holocaust!