For Your Friend That Hates: New TV shows
Now the next time you feel like telling that one friend of yours about some dumb show you couldn't pay him to watch in a million years, he can just pop these babies in and bypass your pitch altogether. Just give him a quick nod to let him know when you're done, then you two can get right back to disagreeing over pizza toppings.
For Your Friend That Hates: Going to the Movies
Perfect compromise so when your old pal finally agrees to go see that shitty new movie no will shut up about even though it's like 10 hours long and the lead actor is a douche, he never even has to look at the screen. Just wake him up whenever Leonardo Di-crap-io is done crying about his girlfriend or whatever and move on.
For Your Friend That Hates: Bars
If there's one thing your pessimistic comrade does enjoy it's his alcohol of choice, though unfortunately for him no bar in a 50-mile radius happens to carry it. Well no more. With this handy little pocket stuffer, the only ales and cocktails worthy of ingesting go wherever he goes, so the next time you drag him out to some glorified basement for hipsters and force him to socialize, he'll have to find a new reason to storm out in a huff 10 minutes after you walk in the place.
For Your Friend That Hates: Parties
You know who never has friends and family bugging them to drive all the way across town just to eat Chex Mix and bitch about Kim Kardashian for five hours? People with broken legs, that's who. This holiday season, give your Scroogiest bro the gift that keeps on giving: a prop to produce photographic evidence of physical impairment that'll get him out of any social function he wants for at least the next year or so, as long as he doesn't abuse it. Heck, he'll probably be so thankful he won't even belittle you for participating in the capitalist propaganda machine that is Christmas in the first place.
For Your Friend That Hates: Running Into People
Social functions are one thing, but what about when your hermit friend HAS to leave the house, for food or gas or to buy the new Call of Duty he's going to stop playing three days later because it's a stupid piece of shit just like the last one? Here's what: a trench coat, sunglasses, and if he's REALLY paranoid, a fake mustache and artificial voice box to hide beneath it too. Now suddenly Mr. Grouch becomes Mr. Incognito, anonymous retail consumer who stops for NO ONE, not co-workers, not long lost elementary school teachers, not even his own mother, unless he feels like it. (Spoiler alert: he doesn't.)
For Your Friend That Hates: Social Media
Buy your judgmental crony this easy-to-use software and suddenly he'll find the internet a much less annoying place to inhabit, as the endless chain of Instagram selfies and Facebook arguments he can't help but ridicule on a daily basis will suddenly vanish. Also great for blocking: news sites that don't even try to hide their political biases, fantasy sports sites, and wherever all those stupid "grumpy cat" pics keep coming from!
For Your Friend That Hates: Life Itself
Who are you kidding? Even if you did buy your buddy all this crap you know you he's still going to find SOMETHING to complain about every time you see him. Why even bother?