Wear a saucepan as a hat for all of of January. A wok if your head is unusually large.
In February eat nothing but Little Debbie products. Oatmeal Creampies for breakfast, Chocolate Cupcakes for lunch, Cosmic Brownies for dinner. Feeling ill? Have a Fancy Cake and shut the eff up.
Everyday in April, Scotch Tape some unlikely stuff together. A golf club to a bonsai? Not bad. Your face to a dead hamster? Cool. A stapler to a hole-punch? Don't bring that weak shit up in here.
You don't walk during Michael May; you sprint in super-slow-mo while dodging pretend Decepticon missile explosions.
iPhones, iPads, iPods? Not in June. The only portable media player you're using this month is the Zune. Bill Gates 4 life.
You already got the Zune out. You know what else isn't getting enough play these days? The word duh. "Wait, do I really have to answer every question I'm asked in July with duh?" What an obvious set-up. Yes, yes you do.
During Schleptember you have a sack. You put your grandmother in that sack. Not headfirst or anything like that. You put her in so her head sticks out. You make sure she's comfortable. You keep her hydrated and well fed. Schleptember is not about mistreating your grandmother. It's about schlepping. You schlep that sack with your grandmother in it everywhere you go. If your grandmother wants some soup crackers, you schlep her to the store and buy her some soup crackers. If, while you're schlepping your grandmother to the store, she starts telling you about Dean Martin and how handsome he was, don't roll your eyes. Listen. You really need to work on respecting your grandmother.
The Movember of the pubic region. If anyone asks why you're growing out your crotch hair, say "to raise a hair nest," but mumble so it sounds like "to raise awareness."
Movey images made by movey image-maker Amir Khan.