1 My Uncle Mike 

You know that guy who's been friends with your dad since they were kids, and is always over, and brings the stuffing on Thanksgiving, and is kind of like a second father to you? He's always been super nice and not at all suspicious? That guy is planning on locking you all in your house and setting it on fire to satisfy his narcissism and sexuality and religious affiliations, and because he's attracted to his mom, and because once when he was nine he burned his finger on the stove and his dad didn't get him ice right away. 


1 My Uncle Mike

They're probably looking at my house through their window with binoculars right at this very moment. They're going to bring over casserole and think that I totally don't know that they're going to find a way inside my house and then it's the candlestick in the dining room. They'll say they're just being neighborly and cute, but CSI has taught me to know better. 


1 My Uncle Mike

Some regular teachers too, probably. They'll say their tutoring that girl in my Spanish class but actually they'll be spending a ton of time with her to learn all about her secrets and insecurities which they will exploit, and then they will recruit her to join their gang of sexual sadists, and they will traipse across the land posing as a lovable traveling clown group, and they will viciously massacre their audiences. 


Anyone who offers to help me with anything, anywhere  

Duh. If CSI, NCIS, Law and Order and Criminal Minds have taught me anything, it's that anyone who wants to help me carry my groceries or change my spare tire or give me directions is just looking at me and wondering how much they can sell my hair and kidney for on the black market. 


5 Doctors

They want to either euthanize you or impregnate you and every one else with their seed in order to create a master race of their offspring. 


6 People from Rural America

Nevada, Montana...who knows what their into out in the desert or up in the mountains. Any town where everyone knows each other is just a recipe for SECRETS AND LIES and weirdos who show up every Tuesday morning at the same diner to order the same chocolate milkshake. 


7 Anyone who took Anatomy in high school or college

Just one step away from knowing how to dismember a body. Also they know where major arteries are. 


7 Anyone who took Anatomy in high school or college

That is what Criminal Minds calls a "stressor." Pretty much anyone who had something tragic or stressful happen to them recently is a ticking time bomb and is bound to show up the the company Christmas party swinging a flail around and talking to the voices in their head. 

9 Anyone who took Chemistry in high school or college   

Knows how to poison you, probably.


10 The Elderly

Always suspect the people you least expect. 



Related Links:

- How to Survive Danger If You Are a Crime Show Character 

- How to Explain a TV Show to Different People

- Do You REALLY Need To Watch This TV Show?