See now this is a huge red flag right off the bat. Sure, some kids are more popular than others, but even the biggest loser in the world should be able to find SOMEONE to go trick-or-treating with, as long as they're the appropriate age. All of your peers are out doing the same exact thing you are at the same exact time. You're saying not ONE of them was willing to let you tag along? No cousins or neighbors or even younger kids who look up to you just because you're older? NO ONE? Something doesn't sound right here.


Wait so...you're by yourself, yet your parents still feel comfortable letting you walk around door-to-door asking complete strangers IF THEY HAVE ANY CANDY? You're either the saddest trick-or-treater who's ever lived or someone who has no business engaging in this type of behavior in the first place, it's either one or the other.


3 You bought your costume with your own money

Again, something just isn't adding up here. Maybe you have a paper route or a piggy bank or something but even if so, no decent parent is going to make a child of trick-or-treating age shell out their OWN money to buy a Halloween costume. Are you in trouble or something? Did you run away from home? Are your parents religious fanatics? Otherwise this is starting to look pretty bad.     


4 Youre drunk

Uh huh. There you have it. There's no WAY you're young enough to be trick-or-treating because if you were, the mere presence of alcohol in your system would have already changed the entire course of your night, and probably for the worse. You'd either be crying on the floor in the fetal position or, in the off-chance you actually enjoyed it, you'd feel so goofy the LAST thing on your mind would be interacting with strange adults who wouldn't hesitate to call your parents or the cops if they noticed how weird you were acting.

Speaking of which, if you're old enough to enjoy drinking, what the hell are you doing trick-or-treating anyway and NOT living it up at some kick-ass Halloween party instead? You obviously have either a passable fake I.D. or SOME kind of liquor hook-up, don't you realize how valuable this is? You're out here begging for candy when you could be the HERO OF HALLOWEEN right now. Go find some people your own age for crying out loud!


5 You bought the booze yourself, legally, and you didnt get even get carded because your full beard is starting to turn gray

Oh...kay. So you're just some old drunk guy going around trick-or-treating then? That about sum it up? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?


6 You suddenly find yourself reminiscing about the time you hiked five miles through the snow to go trickortreating back in the Blizzard of 58 Kids today just dont understand, do they

Damnit man how old are you? TOO OLD TO BE TRICK-OR-TREATING, that's for sure. Pretty sure THAT much we've established!


7 Your costume is Santa Claus and your bag is filled with random shit you collected around the house, not candy

Ahh, now things are starting to come into focus. You're not trick-or-treating, you're senile. You don't even know what holiday it is you old geezer.


8 Your exwife is staring at you through the peephole threatening to call the cops if you dont stop ringing the doorbell over and over while you sing Jingle Bells and dance like a leprechaun

Fascinating. Clearly trick-or-treating has become but a metaphor for the lost love and faded youth Father Time has stolen from thine hands and cruelly dispersed upon an unforgiving world, and clearly thy wounds are as fresh today as when that innocence first was lost. Trick or treat? Ha! Clearly it's the former, dear lad, and clearly it's been pulled on you.

So go ahead, lost soul. Chase that fountain of youth however your heart desires, even if that does mean going door-to-door hoping strangers give you a 50-cent piece of chocolate or, you know, getting blackout drunk and going Christmas caroling in October. After all, in the end age is nothing but a number, is it not?