1. Billions of years ago, God approached the Interstellar Investment Club with a unique opportunity. For the measly cost of complete omnipotent power, God would create a universe, then populate it with things called "people." Pretty standard stuff, really, but the investors did have some questions.
  1. Investor 1

    So these "people," they're like servants?

  2. God

    Not necessarily. I mean I want them to be, and I'm going to punish them for eternity if they aren't, but it's up to them.

  3. Investor 1

    And do they know this?

  4. God

    Know what?

  5. Investor 1

    That if they choose not to serve you, they're condemned forever?

  6. God

    Kind of. I mean I'm going to tell a couple of them to write it down in a book early on, but everyone else is going to have to just take their word for it.

  7. Investor 2

    Ah, so there's a book? Just one?

  8. God

    Well, actually there'll be several, but only one of them will be true. The rest will be fake ones they make up on their own. People will basically have to guess and just hope they picked the right one.

  9. Investor 1

    Umm...okay. That's one way to do it.

  10. Investor 2

    At least they get to choose. What other choices will they be able to make?

  11. God

    Pretty much all of them. I'm just going to get the thing started then sit back and watch the show.

  12. Investor 2

    Watch the show? Well what if they decide to just destroy everything?

  13. God

    So be it. I mean obviously that'd be really shitty and if so, it's their own fate they'd be sealing, but I'm not going to stop them or anything. If the people I create end up being terrible savages who can't get along and who can't help but destroy the very planet that makes their existence possible, that's on them.

  14. Investor 1

    Wait, they can hurt each other too? What kind of a dystopia are you planning here?

  15. God

    Well hang on. I'm not saying they necessarily WILL be selfish jerks who murder each other and let innocent children starve to death (seriously, children!) and bring about the total annihilation of everything around them, just that if they DO turn out that way, I'm not going to step in. I'll just be chilling here in heaven, really pissed off.

  16. Investor 2

    Well why not, just, you know, make it so none of them turn out that way? Wouldn't your little project go much smoother if there weren't any assholes in the bunch?

  17. God

    I still don't think you're getting this. Yes, it's entirely possible the whole species turns out to be a bunch of inconsiderate dickheads, but it's not like I think that's actually going to happen. I mean, I'm creating an entire fucking planet for these people for crying out loud!  I'm providing them everything they need to sustain long, meaningful lives from birth, and all they have to do is enjoy their little paradise together and not fuck everything up! The way I see it they'll probably be so grateful about just plain existing that we never hear a peep out of them again! It might end up pretty fucking boring, to be honest.

  18. Investor 1

    I suppose we could try it out, at least for a couple...

  19. Assistant

    Excuse me, God?

  20. God

    Stacy! Can't you see I'm in a meeting?

  21. Assistant

    Sorry it's just, I keep getting urgent messages from a place called "Hell?"

  22. Investor 2


  23. God

    Oh yeah, that's this torture camp I plan on sending these fuckers if they don't recognize me as their lord and savior. Or, you know, if I'm just in the mood for a good ole torturin' the day they happen to die. What's the prob, Stace?

  24. Assistant

    Apparently some of them are raping newborn babies and enslaving each other and generally they all just seem pretty....douchey? They wanted me to ask you what they should do about the line? It's growing way faster than expected.

  25. Investor 1

    Wait a minute. You already created them?!?

  26. God

    Oh, yeah, sorry about that. I just figured you guys would be on board so I went ahead and started a couple weeks ago. Did the whole thing in just six days, can you believe that? I've just been chillaxing ever since. Sorry I didn't tell you guys.

  27. Investor 2

    You're sorry?!? Now we have to deal with a planet full of assholes FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY because of you!

  28. God

    Whoa, take it easy there pal! If it makes you feel any better, I made them all in my image, so it's basically like a million little mini-me's running around down there. How bad could they be?

  29. Assistant

    Uh, God? Apparently they just discovered something called "gun powder?" What should we do?

  30. Investor 1

    Fuck this, I'm going to Hell.