Stacey! Come here for a minute. Mommy wants to talk to you.

I was cleaning your room and I found this in your bottom drawer. Have you been reading "Everyone Poops"? I told you a thousand times to stay away from this book. It's a bunch of conservative nonsense. I don't want you reading things like this. It gives young girls like you the wrong impression.

Do you really think everyone poops? Everyone? Let me tell you this, you're dead wrong. I don't want you to get caught up in these lies. You don't have to poop if you don't want to. I don't poop, and my mother doesn't poop and her mother didn't poop. Maybe her mother's mother pooped once, But it was a different time then. Women weren't even allowed to vote back then, let alone hold their poop. But we live in the present. A little girl doesn't have to poop if she doesn't want to.

I know it's hard. Everyone is your nursery probably read this book and want to talk about it. But just because they spend their time discussing it doesn't mean it's true. This book was written by one person. It's not facts, it's just the impression of one person. You can't just go around generalizing people, saying "Everyone" is the same. Not everyone is the same. People makes choices, people have different beliefs. Whether you poop or not is nobody's decision but your own.

I'm not saying you can never read this book. I just think you should wait until you're a bit older, and you can give it a more criticized read. Right now you're very young and impressionable, and this book might give you the wrong ideas. For instance, the writer mentions that the elephant makes a big poop and the mouse makes a tiny poop. That just puts a lot of pressure on the elephant. What if he isn't capable of making a big poop? This kind of pressure from society could really damage his self esteem. He'll go around, making small poop, getting ridiculed by his friends for being like a mouse. And what if the mouse makes a large poop? I don't even want to think about that.

I want you to understand that it's not because you're a girl. I'm not saying that if you poop then you wouldn't be able to find a husband, or get a good job. When I was pregnant with you, I pooped for a while, and your father loved me just the same. He would even hold my hand while I did it, and tell me he loved me. And by the way, your father hasn't pooped since 1989.

Sometimes I just want to go out and protest these kinds of books. Claiming to help parents raise their kids, when in fact they just help box them up into nice little packages, all ready for what society dictates for them. I don't want you to grow up that way. I want you to be free, make your own decisions. If you want to poop - poop. But not because some book told you to, but because your bowels just can't hold it anymore. Because you feel like you have to do it or you'll explode.

So no, darling. Not everyone poops. I'm gonna take this book now and put it on the high shelf until you're older. And let it be a reminder for you that you are your own person, and you can achieve anything. Now, if you'll excuse me, your father and I have to go to the hospital for our weekly enemas. And after that we'll all go out for some pizza, okay?