1. Close Your Eyes

Listen, you've been down this road before. Remember, things are not as terrible as they feel right now. This will end. So simply close your eyes, ease into the moment, and be still. Let the feelings of stress simply wash over you. That being said, be careful not to close your eyes too tight. Because if you do, you can burst a blood vessel and die. It happened to my cousin, like out of nowhere, seriously. Now relax.

2. Slow, Deep Breaths

Breathe in... Breathe out... Relax... Now again. Breathe in.... And breathe out.... Slower. You're not doing it slow enough... OK, now faster. Faster, more fast... Come on, FAST. Now slow again... Huh, your chest is weird. Do you feel that? What is that, your heart? Is it irregular? I think it might be irregular. Now exhale. Yeah, something is definitely wrong, that is not normal. Keep breathing. It's probably nothing.

3. Center Yourself, Feel the Sensations of Your Body

Especially that ticking in your throat. That... yeah, that click-click when you breathe. Hmm. Interesting. Chances are, that's a cancerous growth. We can worry about that later. Now, exhale slowly. If you focus on the sensations of the body, you can lower your heart rate and calm yourself down. Really feel what is going on, all the pressures, the sensations. But actually, that growth... Ah, nevermind. Just keep an eye on that. It could potentially ruin everything. Now breathe out slowly through the nose.

4. Get Up, Go for a Walk

Time for some exercise. You know, even just a walk around the block can greatly reduce stress. Simply get up, push past the fear, and start moving. Though if you get up too fast, you can have a rush of blood to the head and faint into oncoming traffic, which would be horrible for Karen since her wedding is in nine days and you're supposed to give a toast, which you haven't thought about at all yet. Plus, global warming is real, there are child soldiers out there, and death is imminent for us all. Now, walk all of that out.


5. Tell a Friend How You Feel

If you're still feeling a bit panicky about that tick in your throat, or your increasingly troubling irregular heartbeat, or maybe that flicking of your eyelid which we haven't even talked about, find someone you trust and have a chat. Simply shoot them a text, or give them a call, or pull them aside if they're nearby. Sometimes just saying something as simple as "Hey, I'm having a rough time, can we talk for a minute?" can alleviate the majority of the burden of a panic attack. So when you are talking with them, simply continue the breathing, listen, and focus as hard as you can on not puking all over them. Because if you do, everyone you love will see you for the fraud and waste of space that you've been all along. This is very important. I repeat - whatever you do, do not puke. Seriously. That would be terrible.


6. Puke and Pass Out and Die and Burden Your Family

Fuck it. Game over. It really is that bad. Yep. Oh well.