I can't believe all of this craziness came from me trading you those beans for that cow. I thought they were just regular beans! I found them in the corner of my cottage, and when I saw you walking down the street I figured I'd call them "magic" beans and you'd be fooled. Sorry about that, but whenever I'm trading or selling something I say my end of the deal is "magic." People want to believe, and they also don't want to be the person who actually turned down a magical item. By the way, if Harry asks you why the "magic" shoe I sold him isn't working, tell him it's probably time-based magic and he just needs to wait it out. Thanks.

Anyway, that story of you and the giant is incredible, but I just feel like maybe you should share some of the wealth with the guy who made it all possible. I mean when you chopped down that beanstalk the giant landed on my cottage and destroyed it! That's where I was keeping the cow you traded me! Also, I lived there with all of my worldly goods.

So from that trade you acquired magic beans that allowed you to steal a giant's many bags of gold, his goose that lays golden eggs, a magic harp (I've sold a few of those, but I'm guessing yours is real), and widespread notoriety. I got a flattened cow and nowhere to live. Insurance doesn't cover giants falling from the sky. Or it does and I didn't pay for it, I don't know. Either way, I need help!

Since we've been talking that goose you've been stroking has laid three golden eggs. Just give me one of those to make up for it. You know I had to sleep in the crook of that dead giant's arm the past few nights? That's something you should only have to do once at most.

And about that, you did murder that giant. Why aren't people making a bigger deal out of that? Murder is still murder. Sure, he might have went after you, but he was probably just trying to defend himself from you stealing all of his cool things! If someone swiped my meal-ticket goose, I'd be pretty peeved. What I'm saying is, if I have to threaten to get you arrested for murdering an other-wordly being in order for you to give me a golden egg, I will. Man, a couple days ago I never would've thought I'd say that sentence.

Trust me when I say this, Jack, you're going to want to help people out and get them on your side. You think that was the only giant? That's not how giants work. He undoubtedly had family and friends who loved him and will want revenge. He probably also had sworn enemies who wanted to be the ones who killed him and you robbed them of that chance. You've got a target on your head, Jack, but I'd be willing to tell a mob of giants that their friend committed suicide if you made sure I was looked after. Heck, I'd even write a believable gigantic suicide note, if I happened to have a cottage of my own to write it in.

You aren't going to help me? Are you serious? You're so rich you don't even know what to do with your wealth! You're using that sack of gold as a paperweight, but your paper's already made out of gold so it's not going anywhere. Plus, don't act like I didn't see you try to make an omelet out of one of those golden eggs. I just hope you know all this gold isn't going to save you from an angry horde of giants. Unless it does, but if that's the case, I have absolutely no respect for those giants.

Good riddance, Jack. It's time for me to see what idiot wants to buy a "magic" giant corpse.

You're not interested are you?



Illustrated by Shea Strauss