Your Love Life, As Described by Videogames
By Caldwell Tanner
Image note: The titles should mimic the images they are hyperlinked to. Everything on the right of the "=" sign should be in a more normal, consistent font. Platformers Games = Your First Crush - You've never felt this way before, you're obsessed and nothing else around you seems to matter. In the years to come you'll realize how foolish and innocent you were, but for now you'll do anything to get to take this relationship to the next level. Image: A middle school girl obsessing over a boy with spiky blue sonic hair at the lunch table in front of him. He is eating onion rings and playing a game gear. MMOs = Your First Serious Relationship -When you're together, you forget about everything else. Sometimes it feels like days since you've seen the outside world. You know this can't last forever, but you're only young once, so you might as well enjoy it. Image: A gross-looking, naked college orc and an elven girl eat pizza in a dorm bed. The room is surrounded by old redbull bottles and dirty clothes. Puzzle Games = Booty Call - All you have to do is pick up your phone to make it happen. Sure, it's addictive, and deep down you both know it's wrong, but on the other hand it feels so good. Image: A hand texting a girl named Candi C: You: Hey wanna come over? Candi: (Candy emojis) You: Sweet Indie Games = Online Dating - You're fed up with what's around you and decide to try to find something better on the Internet. And while this might lead to some interesting first dates and distracting hookups, chances are you're not going to find anything long lasting. Image: Girl on a blind date with OctoDad. He is flailing around and knocking stuff off the table. First Person Shooters = A Bad Breakup - You love spending time together, but sometimes they act childish and hateful. Eventually you quit them in a fit of rage. Image: Hand looking at a photobooth pics of a girl and a Call of Duty-esque Bro. The bro is throwing the shocker. The girl is smiling tepidly. RPGs = Marriage - A long-lasting commitment with no end in sight. Image: An old white and black mage reading on the couch.