Okay, everyone else is dancing. It's going to be fine. You don't want to be the weirdo who's so self-conscious they can't even enjoy a little dancing. Let's do this.

This is going great! You've joined your friends in a cute little mini dance circle, and they're all laughing at your jokingly bad "sprinkler" dance move. Okay, that's enough of that one. Time for the jokingly bad "grocery shopping" dance move. Nice.

Huh. Why can't you think of any more dance moves? You just keep doing those two. Literally the only other thing you can think of to do is that reel-another-person-in-like-you're-fishing one. But what if you fake-reel one of your friends in and they don't do their part of it? You'll look like such a loser.

Whatever, joke dance moves aren't that funny after a while. You should just dance seriously.

Wait, is it even POSSIBLE for you to dance seriously? You still look like you're being ironic. You're doing that thing where you keep your elbows by your sides but point your index fingers up at the sky and move them up and down. Is this...are these your REAL dance moves? Like, you're sincerely trying to be good at dancing, and this is the best you've got? Jesus.

Ugh, you hate when the popular girls do that thing where they grab another girl's hand to dance one-on-one with them. How come no one ever does that to you? Do people all secretly hate you? Do they wish you weren't part of this dance circle?

No, stop overthinking. Relax. Maybe just stop doing stuff with your arms. Real dancing is just a matter of swaying with the music. Although, is it lazy if you're not lifting your feet? It's either that or kind of shuffling them side-to-side, which feels dumb.

Where are you supposed to look? Should you make eye contact with someone in this dance circle? Or like, make eye contact with one person for a few seconds and then switch to a new person? Nah. They'll think you're trying to like, dance WITH them. In a sex way. Better to just look up at the ceiling or off into space.

Oh, thank God, everyone's jumping up and down with the chorus. You can do that! Wait, now no one's doing it anymore. Fuck.

You just need to stop worrying what other people think. Maybe you should try to pretend you're alone? Like, how do you dance when you're alone in your bedroom? HA, nope, never mind, you are NOT doing your Flashdance imitation in public.

Oh god, now all of a sudden everyone is joke-grinding. Or is it real grinding? Does it matter? WHY DO WE DO THIS? Do people not MIND that they are straight-up dry-humping in public? Why do we find that so daring and hilarious? Also, what if someone gets a boner? Does everyone just...have boners? Is that part of dancing? Do we all just not mention it?

This is a pretty sexy song, though. You like this one. You can groove to this.

Well, try not to like it THAT much. You're getting like, turned on. People can probably tell. God, you're gross.

I mean, not that expressing yourself through your body is gross. Stop slut-shaming yourself! You are a sexual being! People will just have to deal with that!

And anyway, there is no way to dance seriously without it being sexual. Because THAT IS WHAT DANCING IS. It is moving your body based on what feels good, and what feels good to bodies is SEX. So you're simulating the motions of the sexual act whenever you dance. Everyone should be embarrassed to dance, all the time. Like, people say you're supposed to forget your inhibitions, but we have inhibitions for a REASON. They are what stops us from fucking like animals on dance floors, which are unhygienic, illegal, and inconsiderate places to fuck.

Uh-oh. You stopped dancing for a split-second and lost your momentum and now the very concept of dancing seems absolutely ridiculous and impossible to enjoy. Oh, and NOW everyone's doing that fisherman-reeling-in-a-fish move. COME ON!

...You should probably go get another drink.