Illustrated by Shea Strauss.
What Conservatives Think Birth Control Is, Apparently
By Will Stephen
BIRTH CONTROL INCLUDES: Twenty-eight (28) hussy pills Two (2) high-heel skank pumps One (1) shame vest Zero (0) regard for the sanctity of human life One (1) broken used condom (ready to use) Four (4) pre-paid abortions Three (3) AIDS-infected syringes (for your kids) One (1) bus ticket to Detroit Six (6) job offers to tear into shreds and become a stripper One (1) marriage license to a leathery man who works in a tattoo parlor Sixty-thousand (60,000) government dollars that could otherwise be boosting our economy Three (3) kids (for the AIDS needles) A lot (a lot) of the cocaine One (1) pre-written letter to your father purely to spite him, his precious little girl One (1) express ticket to Hell WARNINGS: Ask your doctor if you: - wanna get more free shit DIRECTIONS: 1. Take one (1) pill daily. 2. Fuck - all day, everyday. 3. Fuck again, same dudes, different dudes, what's the diff. 4. What are you reading this for, keep fucking. 5. If you miss a day, don't worry - the pill works by feeding off your purity. 6. God is dead. Nothing matters. You worship the Obamacare now. 7. Ask your college health service for unlimited refills.