If The Walking Dead Challenged Game of Thrones To a Fight

Heard you've been talking mad trash, Game of Boners. Why don't you say it to my FACE?

Who are you again?

Ha. Only the most watched show in the history of cable. Don't act like you're not impressed.

Oh yeah, the talk show.

Talk show? I'm the infectious action series about a zombie apocalypse. I've got sex, violence, and in my show ANY character can die at any moment. People can't get enough of me!

Right, the show where something exciting happens every three or four episodes and in between everyone just mopes around whining about how shitty everything is? Sure, I remember. So what's this all about?

What it's all about is that I know you've been going around saying the only reason people keep watching me is because they figure it'd be so easy to make a show about a zombie apocalypse entertaining that at some point I'm going to HAVE to start getting consistently good! It's bullshit.

Oh because you don't think you'll ever be consistent? Well I could see that, sure.

What? NO! What I'm saying is....look, if you're going to keep being such a dick about it then maybe we should just take this outside!

I don't think that's a very good idea.

Yeah, maybe not for you.

No, for you. The last guy who asked me to "step outside" wound up getting thrown into a bear pit after I chopped his penis off.

Eww you chopped his penis off? Who would want to watch something like that?

LOL. Yeah, I'm kind of crazy like that. You ever cut anyone's penis off?

Lord no. But I've splattered enough of those damn walkers' brains to know how to handle a punk like you. Now let's do this!

White Walkers?

White walkers, black walkers, Indian walkers, hell...you name it I've killed it and trust me, you do not want to be trapped in a room full of those assholes either! Sometimes it gets so bad you have to put your knife down and use your gun instead! Granted, they do pretty much just stand there and let you shoot them point blank in the face but still...

That must be rough. The only way to kill ours is using daggers made out of ancient dragonglass, and right now there's precisely one known dragonglass dagger in the entire realm. So yeah, I totally feel your pain.

Wait what? You have walkers?

Last I checked. Kind of hard to keep track what with all the fire-breathing dragons, civil wars, and light gods bringing people back from the dead also going on right now.

Oh yeah? Well I had the Governor.

The who?

The Governor? The bad ass with the eye-patch? Dude is sick. This guy would totally kill an innocent bystander if doing so served the greater good of the communities that depend on him for survival.

One time King Joffrey had his security guards murder babies right in front of their mothers in order to protect his fraudulent claim to the throne.

...

Anyway, if it's trial by combat you seek, I'll be more than happy to oblige.

You know what? I changed my mind.

You sure? Because I was kind of looking forward to cutting Rick's head off and strapping a zombie's head to his dead body and parading it around town. That sounds absolutely hilarious to me.

No, let's not do any of that. In fact, this may sound crazy, but I'm actually starting to think I might be able to learn a thing or two from you. Do you think there's any chance we could become friends?

Sure, why not? Tell you what, I'm getting married next month and we're having a red big wedding. Why don't you come as my guest of honor?

Wow, really? That sounds great, sure. Can my pregnant fiancé come too?

Definitely. Bring Carl too.

Shall I bring a gift?

No, but I promise I'll have a gift in store for you. And your bride.

Aw shucks, talk about misjudging someone. You're really going to take care of us aren't you?

I swear it by the old gods and the new.