Love coupons are the lazy man's currency. I'm not a woman but I'm guessing they're not too stoked to have the words, "Dinner/Back Massage" scribbled on a back of a Jiffy Lube coupon. It's also a total toss up if the guy will even follow through with what it says on the coupons. From now on, guys should make more honest love coupons that say things they actually do. For example, those coupons would say things like "Think about your sister," or "Forget the names of all your friends" and "Grow earlobe hair."
Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a box of duty-free cigarettes. Buying your girlfriend anything from the airport is generally a pretty bad idea because your options are severely limited and everything is more expensive. If you want to spend $50 on your significant other at O'Hare, at best you're walking out of there with three Auntie Anne pretzels, a Hudson News t-shirt and a nine-dollar bottle of water.
This is conversation that should never happen, "Hey pretty girl, look what I got you. It's a brand new cross bow! Oh you don't like it? Well then, you're going to love this Scarface box set!" There's nothing wrong with buying your girl a gift you can share like a warm bottle of well vodka, but when you get her something that only you would use like a Lightsaber Fleshlight, that makes for a sad Christmas.
Nobody should be buying Christmas presents from a place that is mostly used as a bathroom. There is a reason why no one shops in a Port-O-Potty. If you buy your girlfriend a CD from Starbucks you might as well hand her a note that says, "I have nothing left to give." Whenever someone buys me a CD and says, "Yeah I heard this band is supposed to be really good." I know that's code for, "I got this at Starbucks. Sorry it smells like coffee urine."
You know what every lady wants for Christmas? Something that reminds them of Catholic mass. For the most part candles are a cop out gift because they are so easy to find. The fact that you could walk out of a zoo, funeral home or Sunoco gas station with a scented Mother Teresa candle says that maybe it isn't the most creative gift. If you want to get your lady friend a scented Yankee Candle but don't have the time or money to do so, all you have to do is take a regular candle and spray the shit out of it with Febreze. Your new Christmas candle will have that inviting "Too-lazy-to wash-my-clothes" smell.
Yes initially this one seems like I'm just being mean. But let's face it, it doesn't take a ton of effort to go online and give money to the first charity you see. Also, donating money in someone else's name doesn't make that person feel good. It makes you feel good. So in return, your girlfriend should be allowed to use all of the money she was going to spend on you for Christmas to buy a vibrator and name it after the charity of her choosing. Make-A-Wish vibrator? Tis the season.
Hey remember how I told you I was supposed to go to Las Vegas with Lisa, but then we broke up. Yeah I'm not going anymore.
- New Girlfriend
Oh, ok good.
- (Christmas Day)
Merry Christmas, babe.
- New Girlfriend
It's a trip to Las Vegas. Oh, thank you. And you even got my name monogrammed on a flask. Wait, never mind it's just Lisa's name scratched out to say "Mis sa." My name is Rachel.
Miss ya, I miss ya. That's what it says. Come on, you haven't even tried on your Lisa jeans yet!! Or what about the Lisa bodysuit/facemask?