18 New Improved Ways To Say Screwed The Pooch

I still have no idea where the unsettling expression "Screwed The Pooch" came from and don't have the heart to Google it, but since it's already here to stay, why not just go the extra mile and truly embrace it? Here's 18 New, Improved Ways To Say "Screwed The Pooch" that I look forward to forcing into weird conversations in the near future:

Fingerbanged the Dolphin



Dry-Humped the Camel



Gave the Rhino a Reluctant Handjob



Went Down On the Chinchilla



Drunk-Sexted the Bee



Eiffel-Towered the Hippo



Masturbated While Thinking About the Ostrich



Lied About Hooking Up With the Starfish



Talked Dirty To the Zebra Then Got Self-Conscious About It Later



Told the Turkey You Came Too So You Could Get To Sleep


Booked a Hotel To Re-Kindle Your Romance With the Kodiak Bear



Made Out With The Lion-Tailed Macaque But Immediately Got Worried It Would Ruin Your Friendship



Got Too Drunk With the Platypus And Couldn't Finish



Talked All Night And Really Felt A Deep Connection With the Seahorse, Y'know?



Tried Butt-Stuff With the Marmoset



Discussed "Ultimate Fantasies" With the Rainbow Trout But Left It At "Maybe Someday"



Got Caught Checking Out the Tortoise and Tried To Play It Off Like It Was Someone You Recognized



Screwed the Pooch While Secretly Thinking About the Pooch's Hot Friend

Others? Leave 'em in the comments.