The Ultimate Commercial

is talking to you. He knows that you are someone who doesn't like to compromise when it comes to freshness. He also knows that you are a man, and as a man you like man things. Whoa, weird VIRAL stuff is happening behind him! It is so random but that is what makes it great.

His friends, CUTE NERDY GLASSES GIRL and LIGHT-SKINNED BLACK GUY WITH SLIGHT-FRO are filming him with their phones and posting the pictures to the social network everyone is talking about, just like all of the plugged-in next-gen millennials will do when they use this product in real life. And you better believe they are using the hashtags. Do not get left behind in the cold.

PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE enters, wearing his jersey and street clothes. CHUBBY OBSESSIVE FAN and AWED CHILD simultaneously say "Whoa!" and say the name of the athlete and what he does. ATHLETE responds unconvincingly but we let it slide because it was probably the best of the three takes he filmed. He also says the slogan that our company continues to aggressively insist is now a cool phrase in peoples' everyday lexicon. That slogan appears on the screen as a cumbersome hashtag. Everyone immediately uses the hashtag and man does it ever trend. Send us your best That Hashtag and you could win a trip or some free hashtags.

Everyone can use this product! MILITARY MAN OVERSEAS is tucking in his baby from afar! WARM GRANDMA is using it, and she is a fucking grandma you guys! Also here are OTHER RACES. Now the entire globe is connecting with blue lines. TALKING RACCOON says to CGI BABY "Check please."

CHARISMATIC FARMER and his family look on approvingly. The entire family is hashtags. The kid looks up at his dad. He knows that this brand is stronger than just one generation.

Yes. FUCK yes. Now you are wiping your asshole with the correct toilet paper.