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5 Crucial Biology Lessons Every College Student Needs to Learn
By Hallie Cantor
Cell Metabolism: The Alcohol Cycle Sober (ADD Nothing fun going on on the internet) → Bored (ADD A few beers) (LOSE Any hopes of getting work done tonight) → Tipsy (ADD Shots) (LOSE dignity) → Drunk (ADD 4 Texts you shouldn't have sent) (LOSE 1 gallon pee) (ADD Sleep) → Hung Over (ADD 5 servings of dining hall eggs, bacon and pancakes) → Sober Embryology: Development of the Embry-bro 1: Normal bland freshman in t-shirt and shorts. (label pointing to arms- "As the freshman begins to develop, muscle definition is minimal.") 2. His shorts are now mesh shorts. He is holding a beer and tiny backwards baseball cap. (label pointing to beer- "After one week of growth, the embrybro is now capable of receiving nourishment.") 3. He also wears a tank top with Greek letters on it and holds a lacrosse stick. He's giving someone the finger. (label pointing to finger- "Finger differentiation has begun.") 4. He has added neon shutter shades, flip flops and a speech bubble that says YOLO. (label pointing to shades- "Shutter shades are vestigial, serving no sun-shielding purpose, but may still function to attract a mate.") 5. He now wears a power suit and carries a Blackberry in each hand. (label pointing to phones- "At full maturity, the bro maintains constant contact with his community of fellow i-bankers.") Reproduction: Relationship Mitosis Single (interphase picture- lots of lonely chromatids checking each other out) You're alone. Awesome. Hooking Up (prophase picture- a happy couple) You've finally found someone who's a perfect match. You two have so much in common! You're joined at the hip and go everywhere together. Routine (metaphase picture- lots of couples in a line) Okay, it's getting a little boring. You guys are just like every other dull couple brunching and Netflixing the days away. Still, you can't imagine breaking up. Drifting Apart (anaphase picture- the two halves of the couple start to move apart) That annoying way they act at parties is really starting to bug you. You start to come down with a fake disease so you don't have to hang out with them. Breaking Up (telophase picture- our 2 chromatids on opposite sides of the cell. One of them is making eyes at a sexy chromatid) You feel like a half a person without them. You think about calling, but they're probably already hooking up with someone better looking by now. Single Again (cytokinesis picture- same as interphase) The nucleolus of your own loneliness envelops you. Repeat. Genetics: Hangout Punnet Square Top is labeled Them, side is labeled You. Top row: You like them, bottom row: You don't like them. Left column: They like you, right column: They don't like you. Each square has an iPhone screenshot of a text message conversation. You like them, they like you (top left): You: Hey, what are you up to later? Them: Tearing through s1 of gilmore girls with you, friendo You: stars hollaaaa! (green check mark!) You like them, they don't like you (top right): You: Hey, what are you up to later? (2 hours pass) You: Haaaaaa never mind You: Got other plans You: Fun ones You: You can come if you want (yellow ?) They like you, you don't like them (bottom left): Them: Hey, what are you up to later? Them: Want to watch Everwood? You: Nah busy You: Did that sound mean? You: Sorry. You: I might be able to. (yellow ?) They don't like you, you don't like them (bottom right): Blank screen. (red X) Digestion: Digesting Knowledge Mouth- Have ludicrous amount of information from assigned reading thrown at you. Teeth- Make your smarter friend break it down into more manageable pieces. Esophagus- Force basic concepts into your system via brute repetition. Stomach- With help of an enzyme called Adderall, break down the subject into concepts you might actually be able to take in. Small intestine- Absorb tiny, tiny percentage of total information. Large intestine- Use the rest to form a crappy essay. Anus- Shit it out.