Scene 1 – Mr. Johnson's Office
- Mr. Johnson
Well, once again, Neil, your reports are spot-on in terms of accuracy, but where's the flair? The risk?
- Neil
Sorry, sir.
- Mr. Johnson
Take a chance, Neil. It might just work out for you one a' these days.
- Neil
Yes, sir.
- Mr. Johnson
And find a girl, would you? You're bummin' all of us out.
- Neil
I'll work on that, sir.
They share a chuckle.
Scene 2 – Supermarket
Neil turns a corner and COLLIDES with GRUNILDA. She's overweight, with frizzy brown hair, tiny beady eyes, and terrible posture. She wears sweatpants and a large t-shirt. She speaks in a nasal, monotonous tone.
- Grunilda
Sorry. I'm Grunilda.
- Neil
Wow.
- Grunilda
What?
- Neil
That name, it's very… ugly.
- Grunilda
Thanks. My parents were garbagemen.
- Neil
Do you… maybe want to get coffee or something?
- Grunilda
Nah. Coffee's boring.
Neil laughs, charmed.
- Neil
I never thought about it like that, but you're right.
- Grunilda
Let's sit around on my couch and both look at our phones instead.
- Neil
It's a date.
A woman walks by with a shopping cart and Neil makes room for her to pass.
- Grunilda
What are you doing?
- Neil
Making room…?
- Grunilda
Wow. Do you always do the "nice" thing like that?
- Neil
Gosh, I guess so.
She rolls her eyes and reluctantly moves aside for the woman, grumbling something about a "fat pig".
- Grunilda
Try it.
- Neil
I couldn't.
- Grunilda
C'mon, it's fun. (calling after the woman) Lard-ass whore!
The woman glances back at Grunilda fearfully.
Scene 3 – Batting Cages
Neil and his goofball friend Rob are at the batting cages.
- Neil
…she litters all the time, and she makes her own jewelry out of human teeth.
- Rob
Wow, you're really falling for this broad.
- Neil
I dunno, she's like no girl I've ever met before. She makes me realize that life is long. Really, really long.
- Rob
Buddy, I've known you since college and I've never seen you like this over a chick before! You seem so… dulled.
- Neil
She makes me want to grab what's important to me and procrastinate. I want to nap! I want to lie in bed checking the weather and eating microwave brownies! I want to spend a couple hours reading the Wikipedia pages of all the chemicals in diet soda! And I want to do it with her.
- Rob
Don't let her go, man.
Scene 4 – Park
Grunilda and Neil sit on a blanket.
- Grunilda
Oh, I made you a mix CD to inspire you for your big presentation at work.
Neil takes the CD, impressed.
- Grunilda
I don't really listen to music, so it's just a couple hours of pained moaning that I recorded myself.
- Neil
Wow, thanks.
They see a cute old man crossing the park towards a sweet old lady.
- Grunilda
Hey, see that guy?
- Neil
Yeah.
- Grunilda
Let's give him a little surprise and trip him.
- Neil
What? We can't do that!
- Grunilda
What are you so afraid of, Neil? What are you waiting for? This is your life. It's not a dress rehearsal.
Neil takes a deep breath.
- Neil
Let's do it.
They trip the old man and he falls down. They kick him mercilessly as he whimpers.
- Neil
(still kicking) Grunilda?
- Grunilda
What?
- Neil
I love you.
Scene 5 – Conference Room
Neil stands in front of Mr. Johnson, Rob, and a bunch of executives.
- Neil
And that's why what's most important strategy for this account will be… Grunilda.
- Mr. Johnson
Neil?
- Neil
Oh my God. Grunilda. It's been her all along!
He gets up.
- Rob
But Neil… the big presentation?
- Neil
Screw the big presentation.
The executives gasp. One faints. Minutes later, at Grunilda's apartment, Grunilda opens the door to a soaking wet, panting Neil.
- Neil
I realized something today. In the past two weeks, I've been horrified, appalled, and frankly pretty grossed out. But I've also become a much, much worse person. I want to be that person, Grunilda. I want to be with you.
He kisses her.
- Grunilda
Okay, whatever. Can you help me lead a campaign to outlaw puppies and children in my building?
Neil smiles.
- Neil
I'd like that.