Colleges argue that charging you the annual equivalent of a BMW 3 Series Coupe is worth it because of the unique resources they provide. But unique doesn't always equal worthwhile.

The 5 Most Worthless College Resources
Residential AdvisersJuniors and seniors who serve as RAs care about three things: having a dorm room to themselves for free, sleeping with hot freshmen, and writing "Residential Adviser" under the "Leadership" section of their resumes. What they don't care about is giving residential advice, which is always "You guys should communicate more often and try to get along."

The 5 Most Worthless College Resources
Student GroupsThe forty or fifty students at the first meeting always plummets to nine by the third meeting when folks don't get one of the nine officer positions to include under the "Leadership" section of their resumes alongside their seven other club officer positions. Despite brainstorming fifteen initiatives, each club manages to cobble together just one event in one year, which ten people (seven of them being club officers) attend even though eighty-three non-members clicked "Join" on the Facebook event invite.

The 5 Most Worthless College Resources
Academic AdvisersAcademic advice can be distilled down to three bullet points:

  • "Don't take too many science and math courses at once."
  • "Don't wait until the last minute to study for exams like you did in high school. College is not the same as high school."
  • "Follow your passion."

Memorize and repeat to yourself. Congratulations – you're an academic adviser.

The 5 Most Worthless College Resources
Career Center StaffIsn't it odd that the folks with no definable, noteworthy careers of their own are the ones dispensing pearls of wisdom on how to achieve definable, noteworthy careers? They're the academic equivalent of the acting coach who couldn't make it in Hollywood. Aside from the annual career fair, the career center only does three things:

  • Conducts mock interviews – Copy seven to ten sample questions from and practice them with a friend who loves giving unsolicited advice. Congratulations – you've done a mock interview.
  • Reviews resumes and cover letters – Use action words, keep it to one page, and don't lie. There – it takes the Career Center two workshops and three one-to-one meetings to convey this information; it took us eleven words.
  • Encourages you to follow your passion – See "Academic Advisers."

The 5 Most Worthless College Resources
ProfessorsFall semester of freshman year: you're attending every class, writing down every word the professor says, and then highlighting the important parts with two contrasting colors (which ends up being 95% of what you wrote). By spring semester of senior year: you're enrolled in two classes, one of which is pilates and neither of which you're attending because you're always drunk, golfing, or drunk golfing. And those professors teaching your classes? NOT professors – they're bitter TAs who hate you because they know you'll be making more money in one year as an investment banker than they will in ten years as professors. You're better off learning from those online courses that colleges seem to be trending towards these days, which you can do while drunk, golfing, or drunk golfing.