2. It is the year 2033. Gay marriage has been legal for almost twenty years.

  3. A man approaches the wedding registrar.

  4. Man

    I would like to get married.

  5. Registrar

    Of course. It is your right to marry whomever you choose.

  6. Man

    This I know!

  7. Registrar

    Who, what, or why would you like to you get married to?

  8. Man

    Excuse me?

  9. Registrar

    As I'm sure you know, after gay marriage was fully legalized in 2013, there was soon no stopping men and women from marrying both animals and inanimate objects —

  10. Man

    Yes, of course. Who could forget the landmark 2016 Supreme Court Case, Holmes and Whiskers v. Church of Christ?

  11. Registrar

    Or the subsequent 2017 case, Resnick and Table v. Fairfield Church?

  12. Man

    I still remember President Obama's controversial support of Resnick marrying that table.

  13. Registrar

    Yes, Michelle gave a terrific speech. Thank Maddow that Vice President Joe Biden's talk show appearance — when he came out in support of people marrying inanimate objects — pushed her to finally evolve on the issue.

  14. Man

    I think you mean Supreme Court Justice Joe Biden.

  15. Registrar

    Right, how could I forget? After all, he is the only straight male on the Supreme Court.

  16. Man

    And the only Caucasian!

  17. Registrar

    What's a Caucasian?

  18. Both laugh.

  19. Registrar

    Seriously, I am not familiar with that word.

  20. Man

    Anyway, what did you mean when you said I could marry "why"?

  21. Registrar

    Have you not yet watched the news on today's The Daily Show? American citizens are now legally allowed to marry abstract concepts.

  22. Man

    Jesus Christ!

  23. Registrar


  24. Man

    It's just an old expression. I was surprised, because I hadn't heard the news.

  25. Registrar

    Yes, President Obama officially endorsed the measure today.

  26. Man

    Wow! She might be a more liberal president than her mother was.

  27. Registrar

    Perhaps, but it is difficult to gauge liberal issues in a Socialist country.

  28. Man

    This news changes everything. Here I was, all ready to marry my favorite sweater.

  29. He motions to the sweater he is wearing.

  30. Man

    I received it as part of a complimentary "Get Well Soon" package from my local healthcare provider.

  31. Registrar

    Then as a small business owner, I probably helped pay for it!

  32. Both laugh.

  33. Registrar

    It's a beautiful sweater. I can see why you'd fall in love with it and want to marry it, even though the idea of someone marrying a sweater could be seen as ridiculous even just twenty years ago, before gay marriage was legalized.

  34. Man

    It's funny you should mention that. I'm actually a heterosexual, but I feel too intimidated by the LGBT community to marry a woman.

  35. Registrar

    Ever since they took control of the Senate, the LGBT Party has indeed gone mad with power. Heterosexuals everywhere being pressured to marry non-heterosexuals. And inanimate objects. And now, abstract concepts.

  36. Man

    Well, since the Supreme Court has evolved yet again, I suppose I'll have to marry an abstract concept. Could I please apply for a marriage certificate to wed the idea of time as a nonlinear construct?

  37. Registrar

    Of course! Also, we're currently conducting a Nate Silver, so I do have to ask you: why you would you like to marry nonlinear time?

  38. Man

    I guess I love the idea that someday we might return to a period when I could simply marry a woman in peace, without being forced to marry people or objects or abstract concepts that I don't want to, but am forced to because other people can.??

  39. Registrar

    Well, I wish you and nonlinear time a wonderful honeymoon. To process this wedding, I'll just need to see your ID.

  40. Man

    Does my NRA card work?

  41. Both laugh and laugh.