If Dating Worked Like College Apps
By Hallie Cantor
PAGE 1:
A section of an official form, partially filled in with handwriting (non-bolded here).
Common Application
Last name:
Glasscock
First name:
Seth
Middle initial:
J
Please check one of the following:
Single
Transferring from another relationship
(single is checked)
List all the significant others you are applying to in the space below.
Cindy Baberton
Melissa O’Kay
Sally Safestein
Please list your scores on the Sexual Aptitude Test below.
Oral: 540
Manual: 760
Do not forget to enclose the $70 application fee and photo of your face, body and genitals.
On the attached page, please list your principal sex positions in order of their importance to you.
PAGE 2:
An extracurricular-activities-type chart filled in with handwriting.
Please list the significant others you have had since 9th grade, including all summer flings, unconsummated flirtation and one-night stands.
(A chart with columns for Relationship Type, Duration, Materials Covered)
Freshman Year Girlfriend
Duration: Around Thanksgiving - right before the big Holiday Dance
Material Covered: Holding hands at the movies, boner hiding
Summer Hookup
Duration: Second week of summer – Later that week
Material Covered: First base, second base, third base
High School Crush
Duration: Freshman year - Present
Material Covered: her Facebook interests, her Facebook photos, the way she puts her hair in that cute half-ponytail thing and pieces of it get in her eyes when she’s thinking
Sophomore Year Girlfriend
Duration: New Year’s Eve – right before Valentine’s Day
Material Covered: Buying condoms, coping with disappointment of not using condoms
Drunk Junior Year Hookup
Duration: Middle of the night at the first party you attend with alcohol – about five minutes later
Material Covered: Sex, discreetly bragging to everyone you know that you’re not a virgin anymore
PAGE 3:
A recommendation rubric, filled in with handwriting.
Recommendation Form
To be completed by a former significant other.
Compared to others in his or her peer group, how do you rate this applicant in terms of:
(each criteria has columns for Below Average, Average, Good, Very Good, Excellent (top 10%), Outstanding (top 5%), One of the Top Few I’ve Encountered (top 1%))
Taste in Netflix [very good]
Sense of humor (in person) [very good]
Sense of humor (Gchat) [excellent]
Integrity [good]
Selflessness about what to order for dinner [outstanding]
Willingness to hang out with your friends [average]
Libido [excellent]
Grooming [very good]
Text-back promptness [good]
OVERALL
PART 4:
A form with short-answer questions and the beginning of a longer essay.
Cindy Baberton Common App Supplement
Short Answer Questions
Describe a romantic mistake you have made, and how you fixed it.
One day in fourth grade, Naomi Mullins chased me on the playground and tried to kiss me. I don’t know exactly why – perhaps fear of commitment, or cowardice in the company of my male peers – but I loudly declared that she had cooties and shoved her into the wood chips. I was celebrated by my classmates, but inside I knew that I had chosen the seductive path of mindless violence over honest and direct communication. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret my actions, but I believe they have made me into a stronger person.
Who is your relationship role model and why?
It may be a cliché, but my ultimate role models for a strong relationship are Coach and Tami Taylor from Friday Night Lights. Not only do they support each other even when their jobs place them in conflict with each other, but they maintain a fiery passion that inspires me to not get bored of my own dates after we’ve already had sex a few times and I pretty much know all their techniques.
Why are you applying to Cindy Baberton?
I’ve wanted to date Cindy Baberton since before I understood what dating was. As a child, I drew a picture of the two of us holding hands. As I’ve gotten older and become more interested in holding large breasts, I’ve become even more sure about Cindy. At my info session, I was thrilled to learn that Cindy maintains a full bikini wax (and my parents were thrilled to learn that her parents are both doctors!). I am more certain than ever that Cindy is the significant other that will help me grow into the adult I am meant to be.
Essay Question
Discuss an activity or cause that is meaningful to you.
When I was growing up, I never thought of myself as someone who would masturbate. I figured, the world already has enough people jerking off – why me?
That all changed when I got a terrible cold the winter of eighth grade. My mom brought home a box of extra-soft tissues and lotion for my dry, irritated nostrils. As I lay there in bed, coughing pitifully, unable to focus even on afternoon reruns of Family Matters, I thought I may as well give it a shot. That afternoon, I realized that what makes life worth living is finding joy in whatever way it comes. It may sound cheesy, but only by touching myself have I truly found myself.
Since that day, I’ve honed my skills through hours of dedicated practice and study. I hope to continue pursuing this passion with Cindy Baberton next year. If there’s one thing I have learned by masturbating, it’s that…
PAGE 5:
A stack of letters on what look like different college’s stationary. They are scattered so that you can see most of the top letter, a little of the second, and a bit less of the third.
(under fancy Cindy Baberton letterhead)
Dear Mr. Glasscock,
Due to the large amount of extremely qualified applications we received this year, Cindy is unable to date many outstanding candidates. Though we cannot offer you a relationship at this time, we have placed you on our Wait List.
We understand that this decision may be disappointing, but please know that we are impressed by your achievements and abilities in dating thus far and we sincerely hope you will maintain your interest in Cindy...
(under mediocre Melissa O’Kay letterhead)
Dear Mr. Glasscock,
It is our great pleasure to congratulate you on your acceptance to Melissa’s roster of potential boyfriends for the upcoming year. We received a record number of applicants this year and we are convinced that you will make important contributions to Melissa’s growth in your time as a significant other and beyond…
(under shitty-looking Sally Safestein letterhead)
Dear Mr. ______, [“Gasscock” is typed in a different font on what’s clearly a form letter]
Congratulations! You have been accepted as a boyfriend for Sally for the spring semester of 2013. Please return the attached lingerie preference form at your earliest convenience…
PAGE 5:
A computer screen shows an online enrollment form with check marks.
Please electronically return this enrollment confirmation by April 1.
I will be Melissa’s significant other.
I will not be Melissa’s significant other because I will instead be dating ________.
(The first option is checked.)
In another window on the screen, someone has just Googled:
tips on applying to relationships as a transfer boyfriend
