The 8 Worst People at Your Barbecue - Image 1

You didn't already put salt in, did you? You shouldn't salt it until the very end, so it stays juicy. You should punch down the middle so the burger doesn't balloon out. Didn't you already turn that one? You shouldn't turn it so much. Now it looks like you're hitting me in the face with your spatula. You shouldn't use the same spatula you use for food for face slapping. It's unsanitary. No, no, no, you shouldn't slam my face on THIS part of the grill. This part is cooler and generally used for keeping cooked foods warm. If you really want to cause me pain, really get a good sear going, you should slam it over here where the coals are stacked higher.


The 8 Worst People at Your Barbecue - Image 2

Hey, this burger still looks a little red. Can you put it on a little longer for me? ... A little longer, I still see some pink there ... Yeah just a little longer, it's still a bit brown ... Yeah, gosh, I'm sorry, but I want it to be completely black and turn to dust in my mouth like a forgotten dream. That one looks good ... yeah, this is great! Oh, that's a charcoal briquette? Interesting!

The 8 Worst People at Your Barbecue - Image 2

No, that's fine, don't go out of your way. I'm used to not being able to eat anything. Just one of the sacrifices I make every day. Yeah, I saw the bean salad, I'm going to pile that up on my plate right now, but never actually eat it even though you made it just for me. I'll just sit here looking glum and occasionally whisper something to the guy who brought me here while I poke at the beans disapprovingly. Don't worry about what I'm saying! Yes, I DID see the grilled vegetables. I ALSO saw how they were grilled on the same grill as the burgers. So I'll pass. It's fine! Really, it's fine! I like doing this. For the animals. And the environment. If I had wanted to eat something, I would have brought something. After all, you did call this Mike's Meatacular Meatsplosion of Many Meats, so I should have known. And it's a potluck, so it definitely would have been appropriate for me to bring something.

I'm so hungry.

But don't worry about it.

The 8 Worst People at Your Barbecue - Image 2

This is no barbecue! No, deceiver, this is grilling! I came expecting meat slow-cooked for hours! Hours! But here I find no beef ribs, or pork ribs, or moist brisket, but burgers and hot dogs, licked by Hellfire for mere MINUTES! I hear agents of the devil say, 'This event is at noon, surely you didn't expect Mike to cook meat through the whole night,' or 'Barbecue is a regional term that can just as easily refer to the event, the food, or the device the food is cooked on,' or 'Shut the hell up already, no one cares.' Sinners all! For know this: I come from the Holy Land of Barbecue, The South, and the true voice of Barbecue has spoken to me, saying, 'Let any grilling session be called a "cookout," even if use of that term outside my region will sow confusion.' Amen.