As much as I hate stupid people, G-d bless 'em for existing and making me a better person in comparison.

One of my favorite quotes is "It is better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Except I know plenty of people who keep their mouths shut constantly, and there's still no doubt in my mind that they are friggin morons.

They say that ignorance is bliss. But making fun of ignorant people is also pretty blissful.

Have you ever seen people bragging about how rarely they go to the library?
"I've only been to the library twice this semester."
"Oh yeah? I've only been to the library once since I've been at school."
"Yeah? I don't even know where the library is.
"Oh man, that's awesome."
Rough translation:
"I'm not that bright."
"Oh yeah? I'm even dumber."
"Yeah? I'm a complete and utter moron, and am very proud of how limited my intelligence is."
"Oh man, that's awesome."

I go to the grocery store and I secretly pray the clerk puts a gallon of milk on top of the eggs. Otherwise, how boring would my stories be? "So I went shopping today, and came home with some stuff. Isn't that wild?"

Like this column? Then buy the book!