No, that's not a coat rack. There is a human being under all that fabric. This guy doesn't love the beach. He thinks the beach is a relaxing place to read if it's not too crowded. You can usually find him on top of a towel and underneath an umbrella, that is, if you don't mistake him for a pile of dirty laundry. He's basically a lump that gets in the way of your football game. You don't want him there. He doesn't even want himself there. No one has even seen The Overdresser's skin, but rumor has it that it's brighter than the sun.

He's always ready to ride some waves. Except he doesn't own a surfboard. And he doesn't know how to surf. Expect him to spend the duration of his beach adventure paddling really hard with a wave, being carried about six feet towards the beach, walking back out to where the waves are breaking, and doing it again. He's in his own world where he truly believes that he's Kelly Slater and everyone is impressed by what he's doing.

Or--is it a dolphin? No, that's a shark. There is a shark in the water. I didn't realize there even were sharks around here. It looks big. We need to evacuate the beach. I am not joking, there is really a shark in the water. I think it's going after that guy. This does not look good.

Can you blame him? This guy can swim 500 meters in less than 10 minutes, and all he has to show for it is minimum wage and a shiny whistle. He's doing this job for the fringe benefits, if you know what I mean. That whistle is a total babe magnet, BUT MAYBE HE SHOULD BE USING IT TO ALERT EVERYONE THAT THERE IS A SHARK IN THE WATER!

COME ON, man! Swim! You were paddling pretty hard to catch a stupid wave, now you're in serious danger. Get out of there! Or punch it in the nose. I don't remember what you're supposed to do if I shark goes for you. You need to get out of the water before it comes to that.

Isn't anyone going to help him? At least, call 9-1-1 or something. There must be something we can do. Don't just stand there. Maybe if we all work together we can fight the shark? No, that's a bad idea. Someone do something!

And just in the nick of time. It goes to show you, you shouldn't judge someone by what's on the outside. Now I feel bad about what I said about him earlier. The OverDresser is a hero. We should all strive to be more like him. How many times a day do you pass up an opportunity to help someone? Because one time should be too many. And skin cancer is no joke, so covering up like that is actually very smart.

Hey junior, that's a nice looking SAND CREAM CONE you got there. Seriously, this kid couldn't hold onto a frozen treat if it was super glued to his hand. He'll cry because he wants an ice cream cone, and then he'll cry when he drops his ice cream cone. If you wanted it that bad, you wouldn't have dropped it, sporto. Now suck it up and pretend those sand grains are sprinkles. This is your third cone; you're not getting another one.


Shark Attack 6: Infinite Pursuit - Image 1